In the Melancholy Moonlight, Part 5: Dark Matter

Chapter 268: Flying Too High (October 1972)

A/N: Hi everyone! Please read this author's note in its entirety, it's important. This chapter comes with a hefty TW, for suicidal ideation combined with a situation in which an attempt could have been made. Suicide is not truly attempted in this chapter, but all of the thoughts and emotions that came before and after a dangerous situation in the Astronomy Tower are present and discussed. If you are at all sensitive to the subject of suicide, please proceed with caution and heed the following warnings. If it's in your best interest to not read this chapter right now, that's okay, it will be here whenever you are in a better place. I'm going to do my best to provide a detailed warning now so that this chapter is accessible to anyone who wants to read as much of this chapter as possible without being triggered.

If you'd like to avoid the suicidal spiral entirely and only read about the healing process, you should stop reading at Line A and continue reading again at Line B:

Line A (STOP READING HERE): I stole from the room, something dark and unknown seeming to possess me. I was utterly unaware of what was going on in my mind, in my soul, but my feet seemingly moved of their own accord. My conscious mind couldn't keep up with whatever commands my unconscious mind was barking, but before I knew it, I found myself in the Astronomy Tower.Line B (START READING AGAIN HERE): Carter reached for my hand and held it gently in his. "One step at a time, Cass. You do it one step at a time. You do your homework. You eat. You sleep. You play Quidditch. You work on figuring out Myrtle's books, because I know you feel best when you're helping someone else. And — " Carter squeezed my hand. "You talk to us about this. You're not going to be left alone, not for a very long time, we're going to figure out a system so that someone is physically with you at all times after tonight, but Cass, please, talk to us. Talk to me."

And if you'd rather not read about the immediate aftermath and instead read about Cass once the healing process is officially underway, you should stop reading at Line A and continue reading again at Line C:

Line A (STOP READING HERE): I stole from the room, something dark and unknown seeming to possess me. I was utterly unaware of what was going on in my mind, in my soul, but my feet seemingly moved of their own accord. My conscious mind couldn't keep up with whatever commands my unconscious mind was barking, but before I knew it, I found myself in the Astronomy Tower.Line C (START READING AGAIN HERE): To my relief, my Monday after the Hospital Wing shaped up to be a fairly typical one, aside from how exhausted I was from staying awake all night. I was even somewhat glad when I got taunted by older Gryffindors in the halls, because as much as I hated it, for obvious reasons, I was glad for just a little bit of normalcy after the intensely abnormal weekend I'd had.

If you'd like to avoid only the dangerous situation in the Astronomy Tower itself, you should stop reading at Line 1 and continue reading again at Line 2:

Line 1: I stole from the room, something dark and unknown seeming to possess me. I was utterly unaware of what was going on in my mind, in my soul, but my feet seemingly moved of their own accord. My conscious mind couldn't keep up with whatever commands my unconscious mind was barking, but before I knew it, I found myself in the Astronomy Tower.Line 2: "I haven't seen you with your Walkman in ages," Carter remarked. "Did it stop working again?"

If anyone would like me to offer a more personalized reading experience, please comment, and I'd be happy to give you a more detailed breakdown of this chapter that will help you avoid your specific triggers. I want this story to be as safe and accessible as possible even though this chapter has particularly dark subject matter.

I'm sure a couple of you are wondering why I'd tackle something like this, especially considering how much effort I've devoted to making this TW, so I figured I'd explain a little bit of that too. I promise that the way Cass struggles with suicidality serves an important narrative purpose. This struggle is central to her character, though I feel like it is important to emphasize that she is more, so much more, than just her struggles, and you are too. This is not something I'd undertake lightly or thoughtlessly. Mental health struggles are always valid, regardless of age, and that's something that I felt was important to explore. I've struggled with suicidality from a very young age, I was even younger than Cass is in this chapter when I started struggling, so I promise I will handle this topic with all of the tact and sensitivity I possess while making it as truthful to my own experiences as possible.