In the Melancholy Moonlight, Part 5: Dark Matter

Chapter 235: Dear Cedric,

May 13, 1997

Dear Cedric,
   I don't know what to do. And I don't mean that in a "The world is falling apart way and I'm so confused about which path to take" kind of way. That's still true, but... Cedric, I think I fucked up. In my defense, Harry fucked up first, but I had the chance to be good and kind and understanding and I wasn't. I was horrible and mean and unfair and I think I hurt Harry more than he hurt me. And even worse, I did it on purpose, I knew it would hurt him and I did it anyway. I don't know what to do or how to fix it.
   I just try so hard to live a life that can't be criticized, you know? The fact that I'm a werewolf is bad enough. Everything else about me is supposed to compensate for that. I'm not perfect, Merlin knows, but I try so hard. I push myself so hard. I try to be the best student, the best Quidditch player, the best friend, the best girlfriend, the best family member. I don't have any family around me at the moment, which just makes me want to try even harder in all of those other areas. I failed spectacularly in the girlfriend department and the friend department, because I'm both to Harry, but I can't even tell my other friends about the girlfriend part. Not that I would even if I could — I haven't been able to tell anyone the specifics of what I said to Harry. I'm too upset. I'm still angry with him. I don't know why. I'm ashamed of that, and of what I said, and of myself, but Godric, Ced, it just hurts so much.
   I guess I should explain what happened. I'm sorry, I should have led with that. You know that spell someone used to attack me in the Forbidden Forest? The one that covered me in all of those cuts, the one that left scars I still have? Well, somehow, Harry learned it from his Potions textbook, and he used it against Draco Malfoy. He said it was self-defense, he said that Malfoy was trying to crucio him. He said he didn't know what the spell was. He said he was sorry. I was upset despite all of this and I said things I shouldn't have said, but what was I honestly supposed to do? I've had five and a half years to console myself with the fact that the spell was a mystery and no one knew what it was and no one would EVER know what it was and it would never be able to threaten me again, but... that wasn't true. And it was Harry, of all people, who proved me wrong. HE could threaten me with it again. I didn't think he ever would actually use it against me and I still don't, but I was scared and hurt and I wanted him to feel that way too. Unfortunately, I think I succeeded. I wish I could take it back, I really do. I feel my anger fading even as I write this. I think I'm going to go visit Malfoy in the Hospital Wing and see for myself, hear for myself what happened. Then I'll talk to Harry again. Apologize. Talk about it more, with a clearer head. Talk until we both feel better, make it okay again. I can't risk a repeat of what happened with Hermione a year ago, when she made me so angry and I didn't fix it until it was too late and she got hurt. I can't do that again. I can't do what Remus did either. It sounds like he never got the chance to fully make it right with Sirius, when something similar happened. I won't let it be too late, I promise. I'm just... not quite ready yet, either.
   Did you ever do something like this? I doubt it. You were so good. I'll never be as good as you were. I don't think anyone will. I want to be, though. I want to be so good that no one cares about the lycanthropy anymore. I know certain people already don't, and that's nice and all, but I don't want ANYONE to care about it anymore. I want to be so loved it doesn't matter. Is that even possible? Is it selfish of me to want that?
   I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything anymore. I feel like I'm in free fall again, but this time, I'm not just a perfectly pitiful little victim. I have claws and teeth and I lashed out and hurt Harry in my own brazen quest to protect myself from damage that's already been done. I don't know how to fix this. I feel guilty. I feel hurt. I'm sure Harry feels the same way. How strange, really, to feel both of those at once, both perpetrator and victim. I don't know how to fix it by myself. I don't know what to do. I want to be close to Harry. I want him to comfort me. I want Harry to stay far away. I don't want to hurt him again. I know I will. I'm too hurt and angry to not hurt him again. I don't want to hurt him again, though. I don't know. I just don't know.
   I miss you. I wish you were here to actually talk to me. I don't know if I've ever been so desperate to have you back. I've always wanted you back and I've always missed you but this is just one of those moments where I just want my big brother to listen to me cry and scream, and to help me sort through all of this, but you can't and it hurts. There are some parts of me that I hid away from you when you were here that I've shown Harry. I was overwhelmed before the full moon last month, and I always hid the worst of it from you — not because I doubted that your love for me was unconditional, but because I didn't want to test it and find out, I didn't HAVE to test it to find out. It just felt unfair, the thought of burdening you with all of my various imperfections. I hid a lot of this from you too, a lot of my anger and bitterness, because I just couldn't bring myself to complain to you about something neither of us could fix. And, well, it's because you're gone that my feelings are so much bigger. I think the wolf misses you too. I don't know. I can't explain it. I just miss you. I wish you were here. I wish I could tell you everything I ever tried to hide while you were still here. I wish I could tell you everything you never got to see because you're not here anymore.
   Harry's seen just about everything at this point. I can only imagine what he thinks of me now. After last night's display of explosive rage. After finding me on the floor of an empty classroom having a complete breakdown. After seeing me bloody and dirty and sweaty and soaking wet and muddy so many times. After watching memories of the Everlins with me. After being so close to me for so many years, after being my friend then my best friend then my boyfriend, after everything he's seen, after everything I've said, after everything we've done together.
I need to talk to him. I need to fix this. I need to try. I need to work through this. I need him.
I'm sorry, this letter has been a mess. I didn't sleep at all. I'm still upset. My mind is spinning. Everything is in free fall. I don't know what to do. I'll figure it out though. I love Harry too much to let this destroy us. I will find a way to be okay.
   I miss you. I'm sorry. I love you.
   Love always, Lucy

🩵💛❤️💜🩷

May 13, 1997

Dear Cedric,
   I fucked up. I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt Lucy. I promise. I knew I would inevitably hurt her one day, but I never dreamed I would hurt her like this. I was never supposed to hurt her like this. I love her so much. Too much to hurt her like this. But I did anyway. Somehow. Accidentally. I'm sorry.
   It was stupid, and, worse, preventable. I never should have used a spell I didn't know. Draco Malfoy attacked me in the bathroom and we sent a few spells back and forth unsuccessfully but then he tried to hit me with the Cruciatus Curse so I hit him back with a spell called sectumsempra that I read in my Potions textbook (long story) and... Cedric, it was the same spell that scarred Lucy, I know it. I didn't know it when I cast it and I never would have cast it if I had known. I should have just let him hit me, I've been tortured before, I would have been okay, I would have figured something out, but I didn't do that, I cast the spell, I made a mistake that might have just shattered any trust Lucy had in me. I didn't mean to do it. I know that doesn't mean much, because I still did it, but it was an accident. I promise. I'm sorry.
   I didn't know Lucy was capable of being that angry with me. I never want that to happen again. I'm not scared of her, I promise, this isn't me saying that she's too much because she's not. But, well, I've never been in that position before. She can be sharp. She can be hurtful. I knew that, I've witnessed that, but in the past, I've always agreed with her, admired her, even. In the past, when she's been angry, I've understood, and I understand this time too, but it feels unfair this time. She's always been so quick to remind people that we have bigger enemies than each other. When Ron and Ginny were bickering. When Hermione was angry with Ron. Even last night, she made a comment that sounded like she thought I should have saved that spell for someone outside the castle, or something like that. But the way she was looking at me, and yelling at me... I think she forgot that she has bigger enemies than me, or maybe she just didn't care. I love her so much. I'm not her enemy. It was an accident. I love her so much. I didn't even get to finish my story. I didn't get to tell her about Snape showing up and healing Malfoy right away, or about him infiltrating my mind not once but twice to find out the truth, or about the detentions, or about anything that happened after I hit Malfoy with that spell. I just kept apologizing, but I don't know if she really heard that either. I'll keep apologizing until she believes me, I guess, but... I don't know, I just imagined that conversation going differently. She's always such an advocate for kindness and understanding and saving our anger for the people who deserve it, and I'm just really sorry that she decided I was the person who deserved it last night. I think I deserved it, or at least some of it, but I'm sorry just the same.
   Ron said Lucy and I be okay, last night, when I came back to the dormitory and it was obvious I'd been crying. I have to believe that. I haven't seen her yet today — Ginny told me that Remus showed up before breakfast wanting to talk to Lucy. I skipped Herbology to write this letter, I'm hoping maybe I can find Lucy before Potions, since neither of us are in Herbology right now and I'd rather not have to try to talk to her while Slughorn is around. He's sure to be hovering since my performance in Potions is sure to suffer without the Half-Blood Prince's book and surely he's heard about what I did to Malfoy last night and I doubt Malfoy will be in class today and Slughorn loves information and gossip.
   I don't really know what else to say. I'm sorry if this letter didn't make much sense, I didn't get any sleep last night. I'm just sorry for everything. I wish none of it had ever happened. I want to fix it. I don't know how. I don't know if Lucy will even let me try. That won't stop me from trying, though — she's not the only stubborn one here. I love her. I'm going to fix it, one way or another.
   Sincerely, Harry