In the Melancholy Moonlight, Part 5: Dark Matter

Chapter 226: We'll Take What Comes, Take What Comes

LUCY:

I carefully folded my letter and walked to the dormitory fireplace, casting a silencing spell before pulling aside the grate so I wouldn't wake my still-sleeping roommates. I had gotten up early to talk to Cedric's portrait like I did every Sunday morning, but I found that I still had more to say, so I wrote him a letter instead of going back to sleep once I returned to my dormitory like I'd originally planned.

"Lucy?" I had been so focused on watching the letter burn that I hadn't heard Lavender get out of bed. She knelt on the rug beside me and offered me a curious expression. "What was that?"

I felt my face heat. "It was — er — a letter to Cedric. They're, well, obviously not meant to actually be sent, so I burn them instead. Sorry, I know that must sound strange — "

"No, not at all. I think it's beautiful, or, well, as beautiful as it can be, considering the circumstances," Lavender said, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"Thanks," I whispered back. "After yesterday, I... needed to talk to him, and the portrait wasn't enough. It never has been, not really, because it's not him, but..."

"Are you glad it exists?" Lavender asked. "I heard about it when it was first introduced to the Hufflepuff common room, but I wasn't sure how to ask how you felt about it. I... I'm afraid I haven't done a proper job of asking how you've felt about anything since that awful night. I feel like I should be doing more for you, since you lost your brother, but I've never even known where to start," she finished, looking more shy and embarrassed than perhaps I'd ever seen her.

"I'm glad it exists. As much as it hurts knowing that one day the Hufflepuff common room will be full of people who won't know the difference between the real Cedric and the portrait Cedric, I know Cedric would have wanted a part of him to stay here and be helpful forever." I offered Lavender what I hoped was an It's okay smile. "You were there in all of the ways I needed you to be. You helped me with my mascara that day. You helped me get out of bed on the days I thought it was impossible. You made me laugh on the days I thought that was impossible, too."

"But I didn't even know that you still miss him so much you write him letters," she said.

"Not very many people do," I replied with a shrug. "I know I don't exactly make it easy for people to know me. I'm much more comfortable suffering in silence than actually asking for help when I need it, and that's something I'm trying to change, because it does more harm than good. I mean, the first time Harry ever saw me cry was the day after Cedric died, after almost four years of being very close friends. There are things I've written in these letters to Cedric that I've never told anyone." I sighed. "You know, sometimes I envy how easy it is for you to show your emotions and share your opinions."

Lavender echoed my sigh. "I think it does more harm than good, the same way you think holding your thoughts and feelings inside does more harm than good. I get teased so much for loving Ron as, well, loudly and proudly as I do, but I really do love him and I don't know how to love him less. I think he's getting annoyed with me, and part of why I was so upset last night was because I was scared that ignoring me was his way of breaking up with me, but I think... I think maybe he wanted me too, at least for a little while. I think maybe I was good for him."

I weighed my next words carefully, trying to be as truthful as possible while still treating Lavender with the kindness she deserved.

"I know you love him, and I think that's been really good for him," I said. "I don't know if or when he's going to break up with you, but if or when that happens, I think you two have been good for each other anyway. I know he makes you happy, and even if he's not the best at expressing it, I know you've made him happy too."