In the Melancholy Moonlight, Part 5: Dark Matter

Chapter 210: Steady On, Steady On, My Love

HARRY:

The night of the full moon, I was a wreck. Lucy and Ginny didn't let me walk down to Hagrid's Hut, saying I shouldn't walk back to the castle by myself, so my goodbye to Lucy was limited to a quick tight hug on the castle steps. Once they were out of sight, I turned on my heel and hurried up to the dormitory, planning on hiding in my bed until sunrise. I felt suffocated after a matter of minutes, though, so I went down to the common room and crawled into Lucy's window seat with my worn copy of Flying with the Cannons, pretending to read it until every last person had left the common room except for Ron.

He asked how I was feeling. I couldn't think of any answer I could offer him that would accurately convey the raw terror holding me captive. I shrugged instead. I didn't trust myself to open my mouth, afraid that I might throw up all over the floor if I did. He told me he'd likely be awake all night too if I needed anything, and I nodded, and I could feel him staring at me for a moment longer, but I couldn't bring myself to meet his gaze before he went up to our dormitory for the night.

My stomach was in knots. My muscles were so tense it hurt. My head was pounding. My eyes were stinging from the tears I'd been holding back all night. My heart wouldn't stop racing.

I closed the book and tucked it away and pulled my Invisibility Cloak from my pocket and yanked it over my head so I could let the tears fall without having to worry about anyone seeing me or hearing me. Lucy was the only person who could sense me even when I was invisible, but Lucy wasn't there. So I cried.

I thought the August full moon had been difficult, when Lucy had been in the room the twins had specifically designed to keep her safe. The September full moon, the one where she was running around the Forbidden Forest somewhere with only Ginny to keep her safe, was so much worse.

I trusted Ginny, of course I trusted Ginny, and I knew Lucy was safer with her than she would be without her. But I knew better than to believe that Lucy was truly safe by any means.

I was a wreck. I didn't know what to do.

"How did you live with it, Sirius? Dad? Mum, even? Wanting so desperately to protect someone you love from something inevitable? Knowing there is nothing you can do to stop the pain that's coming while wanting nothing more than to be able to stop it anyway? I'd take the pain on as my own, if I could. I'd blast the moon to pieces, if I could. I'd do anything, anything at all, and yet, here I am, doing absolutely nothing because there is nothing I can do, nothing to do. Lucy thinks you're all out there, up there, in the stars, maybe even just behind the stars. Can you stop the moon? I suppose if it were possible, you all would have done it by now, but can you try again? Can you bring the dawn sooner, even just the tiniest bit sooner? Can you keep the night at bay? Can you destroy the moon, work together to control the tides in its stead? Can you do anything? Anything at all? I'm sorry I can't protect her from this, Cedric. I'm so sorry. Her pain is my pain, now so more than ever, but it's not just mine. I wish it was just mine. I'd wrestle it away from her if I could, and I'd make sure I won, and it stayed away from her, I'd make sure that pain never touched her again. I wish it was me. People keep telling me that I don't want to be there with her during the transformation, but they're all wrong. I do, I'm just scared that if I'm ever there and she finds out, she's going to get in her head like she does and she's going to convince herself that I'm going to leave her, no matter what I say or do. I want to be there anyway, to force her to confront then overcome the fear, but... everything is so fragile right now. I don't want to hurt her in an attempt to help her. I don't want to push her away in an attempt to pull her close. I'm just so stuck and so useless and so worried and I love her so much. Surely this anxiety will kill me one day, if I can't fix this before then. But even then, even if I do somehow miraculously cure lycanthropy, that will never be able to erase the pain of the past, the pain I know she's experiencing now, tonight. How did you live with it, Sirius, Dad, Mum? How am I supposed to live with it?"