Better- SeongSang

68 - Seonghwa

I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't rest.

Even with my friends telling me to go abroad and I really want to go but there is something telling me that I should stay for him.

I seriously want to stay with him. I sat up and stared at nothing. It was hard to see with it being pitch black in my room.

Lowering my head, I bit my bottom lip. I was always thinking about going abroad and now... Just thinking of Yeosang, I kind of don't want to anymore.

I won't get to see him every day. I wouldn't be able to spend time with him. I feel like texting and calling would be boring or it just wouldn't be anywhere near the same as being physically here with him. I wouldn't even be able to make physical contact with him.

Slightly turning and opening the curtain a little. Just a little bit of light to be able to see Yeosang. He was just sleeping so peacefully.

I don't know what I want to do anymore. I want to stay but I don't. I only want to stay for him. I don't even know if I can do it. The more I look at him the more I want to stay.

The thought of not being with him physically hurt me. My chest hurts at the thought of it. It hurts so much... I want to cry.

My eyes began to sting. Feeling the tears well up. I tried to stay silent.

Getting out of bed and going to the living room. I sat down on the couch. I just stared at nothing and just let myself cry.

Trying to stay quiet but it didn't work. I couldn't stop shaking. The pain wouldn't go away. It was annoying.

"Seonghwa?"

I quickly kept myself quiet and I just continued to sit there.

"Seonghwa?" Yeosang kept calling me.

I wiped my eyes as much as I could. Getting up and walking back to my room. I got back in bed.

He set up and rested his head on my shoulder. "Is everything ok?"

"Yeah. Was just getting myself some water."

He pulled my back to lay down. He pulled me close. He patted my head. "It's ok to cry. I don't know what's going on but just let it out when you need to ok."

I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him even closer. I just nodded. Shutting my eyes and just continued to cry.

I just couldn't stop shaking.

He patted my head as he spoke to me softly. "It's ok. You're ok."

I shook my head. "It's not ok." I whispered.

"What's wrong, Seonghwa?"

I shook my head again. I don't know how to tell him. I don't want to tell him. Not yet. I know I made the stupid decision but now I don't know if I want to continue with it.

He sat up and pulled me up. He held my hands. "Seonghwa. What's going on? You have been so upset lately."

I brought his hands up to my face. I continued to cry. I ignored what he said. I couldn't stop shaking. Even with him right here next to me, the pain won't go away. It hurts so much.

I hate the thought of leaving him.

I know I've technically hated him for years but from the way that I am right now, I think there was always a possibility of me wanting to stick with him.

Now that I'm with him, it's like now I can't even live with out him.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"Seonghwa..."