delicate ~ L.W

Chapter 20: Vunerability and Secrecy

I start driving aimlessly through the streets of North London, my heart racing. I drive on a few main roads, going off into side streets every now and then, my breath beginning to quicken. I hear the slight shift in sound from the engine as I lift my foot on the clutch, finding the biting point before pulling out of the junction, my laboured breaths intermingling with the sound. I keep driving until I pull over, turning off the ignition, undoing a few buttons on my shirt and placing my hand on my chest, feeling my heart drum aggressively, feeling as though my rib cage is getting smaller, suffocating my lungs. My vision starts to blur, the cars going past me turning into blurs despite them travelling at just 30 miles per hour, if not less, sticking to the speed limit. Everything around me seems to be happening in slow motion and in blurs and blotches of block colour.

I notice I’ve ended up outside Leah’s house and reach for my phone that I’d chucked haphazardly on my passenger side, my hand shaking. It feels like forever until my phone’s in my grip, my nerves not picking up on the sheer grip I’m holding onto my phone with, despite being on high-alert.

I speak into my phone, gasping due to my laboured breath, “Hey Siri, call Leah.”

My phone rings out for what feels like minutes, minor seconds in reality, when she finally picks up. I gasp into my phone, placing it on speakerphone, not giving her a chance to speak, “are you busy?”

She utters into the phone, concerned “no, no I’m not, are you okay? Where are you?”

I gulp softly, struggling to get words out, ultimately muttering into my phone through laboured breaths, “I’m outside in my car.”

I hear something thump, as if she’s knocked something over if the slight hiss of pain from her side of the call is anything to go by. She speaks clearly, “I’m on my way.”

I hang up the phone, resting my head against the headrest in the driver's seat, pressing my hand against my chest, trying to calm my breathing. I let my phone slip from the grip, hearing the thump of it hitting the car floor as my eyes slowly shut, trying to focus on calming myself down, battling with thoughts of the past, fighting against flashbacks. I hear the click of my car door opening, feeling soft, delicate hands lightly being placed on my cheeks, cupping my jaw. The hands turn my head to the side and I hear a gentle voice break through the racing, deafening thoughts racing through my mind, “look at me, Ellie, let me see those gorgeous green eyes of yours.”

I open my eyes, gazing into Leah’s gunmetal blue eyes.

“Good, that’s good. Can you try to take deep, slow breaths for me, Ellie?” she asks, I try to focus on my breath, trying to take slow breaths, “there you go, just keep looking at me. That’s right there you go.”

I focus on her soft, gentle voice, following her instructions. My breaths begin to get deeper, slower, my rib cage expands, my chest feels lighter. Slowly, my vision becomes clearer, Leah’s full face comes into view, her sharp jawline contrasting her soothing nature.

She stands up from her crouched position at the driver’s side door, gently removing her hands from my face. She holds her hand out and speaks softly, “c’mon, let’s get you inside, dimples.”

I nod, accepting her invitation, taking a hold of her hand, and getting out of my car. I close my car door, locking my car before letting her guide me into her home. She leads me through her hallway and into her living room. She sits on her sofa, gently pulling me with her. I rest my head on her shoulder. Her fingers tangle into my hair, playing with the strands, resting her head on top of mine.

We stay in silence for a few moments, maybe even minutes, relaxing into the company of one another. She breaks the silence. Leah utters softly, quietly, “why did you have a panic attack, Els?”

I gulp softly and murmur, “Ffion said something… nothing bad… it just- it reminded me of something and then it was all I could think about. I guess I just… I didn’t realise how badly I was dealing with everything that happened.”

She utters softly, “what happened Els?”

I gulp softly and she moves her head from atop mine and I look up at her, vulnerability visible within my gaze, “Ffi and I… we moved out of my parents’ house when I turned 18. We moved out of Wales and into West London. Chelsea had offered me a contract and we moved there. I inherited money that my grandparents had left for me in their will before they died. I used some of it to buy a house.”

“We moved because… because my parents are homophobic. Instead of kicking me out, they made me suffer with their mental and emotional abuse. Ffion ended up dealing with it too, for some sick, fucked up reason, they had it in their heads that I’d infected her with my queerness. Ffion wasn’t out at that point, she was firmly closeted. She only told me last year. Before my grandparents died, their house was our escape, our sanctuary. After they passed, only a month between each other… I had football as my safe space, Ffion only had me. I got us out of that fucking asylum as soon as I could. I always focussed on her, helping her heal. I got her a therapist in London and she healed. I guess I never did.” I clench my jaw, blinking a few times, holding back tears.

Leah speaks softly, lightly tracing her forefinger along my cheekbone, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, gazing into my eyes, “so all the panic attacks, the nightmares, are because of your parents?”

I nod, clenching my jaw, “I uh- I get flashbacks sometimes… mostly when I sleep. The panic attacks happen because something reminds me of it or I’m meeting new people. All that runs through my mind when I meet people is ‘what if they think of me as my parents thought of me?’” I shake my head “I know it’s stupid-”

Leah cuts me off, “it’s not stupid, Ellie. You went through fucking hell for a good portion of your developmental years and faced torment and hate in the place you should’ve felt safe in. It’s okay to feel like that, it’s okay to have panic attacks, and it’s to be expected that you would have nightmares after all of that. You need to get help, you need to talk about it, or you won’t be able to start to heal.” She speaks softly, authoritatively.

I nod and speak softly, “I know. Is it uh- is it okay if I stay with you tonight? Just until everything blows over. I just want to be alone. But, like, alone with you. I just want to hide, just for night. I don’t wanna disappear, just hide. The only person I wanna be with right now is you…”

Leah smiles down at me softly, gazing down at me with those damn eyes again… she speaks softly, “of course you can, Els. You’re my friend,” theres that word. Friend. It shouldn’t bother me, we agreed it was for the best. I know it’s for the better. But, sometimes a part of me just… “you’re welcome to stay with me any time.”

I speak softly, nuzzling my head into the crook of your neck, searching for comfort, “thankyou.”

AN: Hey, guys! I hope you enjoyed the chapter and gaining an insight into why Ellie is the way she is. Let me know if you wanna see anything in particular. Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes x