delicate ~ L.W

Chapter 23: Family Line

A few days later, after I feel more balanced, I leave Leah's side and drive home to speak to Ffion, ignoring the nagging tug on my heart as I leave her side, suddenly not feeling as balanced as before. I sit in my car and take a deep breath, shaking my head and start driving home.

As I drive home, I can't help but think about how I talked to Ffion, my tone, my words. A feeling of guilt settles over me. I know she was right. I knew she was right at the time. I just didn't want to admit it. I spent so long making sure she was okay, that I never even tried to make sure that I was okay. I put her first. I put her above everything. That's what big sisters are supposed to do, right? Make sure the younger one is happy, safe, protected. I pushed down everything, I pushed it so down so far that I can barely acknowledge how deeply my parents affected me. I can acknowledge the harm Ffion suffered at their sharp tongues, yet when it comes to acknowledging the things I had to listen to and put up with in the 18 years I lived with them, I can barely accept how deeply affected I was by all of it. I can barely acknowledge how much it shaped me as a person. I can't even begin to comprehend how it's affected everything in my life - my education, my career, my relationships, my friendships, my personality.

Some part of me resents Ffion for healing, for being able to come to terms with everything we went through. She was able to heal so completely, I helped her heal completely. So, why couldn't I do the same for myself? I let myself crash and burn and drown just to keep her above water. If I didn't get her out of that house when I left, would I have healed as completely as she did? Would I have given myself the support I needed instead of her? Would I have learned how to put myself first?

There are so many ‘what ifs’ but the answer will always remain the same. I never would've left her. Not in a million years. I had to keep her safe. My parents may have shaped who I became, but I shaped who she became. I practically raised her. I wiped away her tears when they did something. I made sure she got out of the house or at least went into another room when they started tearing into me. I always put her first. She was, and always will be, my first priority.

—

I pull over outside my house, seeing a sleek black sedan parked outside. I furrow my eyebrows and notice I've got 5 missed calls from Ffion in the span of a few minutes while I've been driving. I quickly get out of my car and race into my house finding it already unlocked, calling out, worried, “Ffi! Ffion! What's going on?!”

I hear a quiet “I'm in here” coming from the living room and I quickly head into the room, immediately stopping as soon as I see who's inside, my face turning into stone. I clench my jaw, my previous concerned expression giving way to a cold, emotionless appearance, my jaw clenched, my facial expressions like steel. Unmoving.

I speak sternly, lowly, angrily “what the fuck are you doing here?”

I make eye contact with the other person in the room. He's tall. He's in a suit, his face mirroring mine. His eye colour is the same as mine. His hair has the same texture as mine, even though his is greyer now. My skin smooth, his skin rough with wrinkles and a neatly shaved beard.

He lifts his chin, his steel-like expression the same as mine, “that's no way to speak to your father, Elinor.”

I clench my jaw and speak sternly, “It's Ellie. You're not welcome here.”

Our glaring eye contact is broken when I look to Ffion as she speaks quietly, “Ellie, don't…”

I scoff, “Don't? Don't? Why the hell would you let him in, Ffion?!”

She scoffs and stands up, “well maybe if you let him speak, you'd know, Ellie! Just let him speak!”

I clench my jaw and scoff, “fuck this. I'm going. If you wanna pretend he isn't a piece of shit and didn't abuse us, go ahead, Ffion. I'm not putting up with this bullshit.”

Ffion clenches her jaw and raises her voice, “where you planning on going, Ellie? Back to Leah's where I'm pretty sure you've been hiding for the past 3 days? What the hell was that? You left. Didn't even tell me where the hell you were going. Didn't even bother to text me so I knew you were okay. I was worried sick while you were probably fucking the girl you only just met! She your girlfriend now-?”

I raise my voice and step towards her angrily, “you really bringing this up right now? In front of him?!” I point aggressively towards our father.

His sharp voice interrupts the tense argument, “I thought you left that nonsense behind?! What girl is she talking about, Elinor?!”

I scoff “that is none of your fucking business! You aren't a part of my life anymore!”

He clenches his jaw and storms towards me, grabbing a hold of my collar, pushing me against the wall, raising his voice at me, his eyes cold, black, void of love, “Don't raise your voice at me! If it wasn't for me you'd be in the gutter! Fi yw dy dad, dydych chi ddim yn cael penderfynu a ydw i yn dy fywyd ai peidio. Fi a'th fagodd di. Fi a'th wnaeth di pwy wyt ti ac nid yw fy merch yn clawdd! Stopiwch y nonsens yma cyn i mi-”

I raise my voice and clench my jaw, meeting his stone cold flare with one of my own, anger taking over the fear I used to hold when it came to him, “or what?! You gonna hit me again?! You already tried that and it didn't do shit!”

I push him off of me and I see him curl his fingers into a fist, his arm charging forward. I don't move. I can't. My feet are planted on the ground. I just let it happen like I always used to. His fist crashes into my cheek, my cheek splitting on his wedding ring.

I chuckle lowly, the ache present in my jaw, “that make you feel better? Now you feel like the big man, get the hell outta my house before I call the police”

He clenches his jaw and goes to hit me again, but this time I catch his wrist, throwing his hand back to his side and I step forward, speaking lowly, “Leave before I make you leave.”

At this point, neither of us notice Ffion has left the room. Neither of us realise she's calling someone.

AN: Who is Ffion calling I wonder?...