Hers Freely

41. The challenge

"The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd – The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been."

― Fernando Pessoa

***

Ella

My body still throbbed with the aftershocks of his brazen kiss. My mind raced, a whirlwind of emotions swirling within. Surprise, yes, but beneath it stirred a longing. It had been years since I'd last felt a kiss, since Sebb. But that kiss wasn't anything like it was with Jonah. Sebb was a boy, a slave like me. We were both young adolescents going through the motions of our first attraction. This was different. This was a man, experienced and confident, who knew exactly what he was doing. I could still feel the imprint of his lips on mine.

His words, 'Do you feel nothing for me?' echoed in my mind like a relentless torment. I didn't want to be so cold, so dismissive. But how could I explain the tangle of emotions that had me reeling? Fear, confusion, and a dangerous pull towards something I knew I shouldn't want.

The truth was, I felt something. A strange mixture of desire, a want to be....wanted and a fear... of being swept away. The way he looked at me, the intensity behind those piercing green eyes, it was intoxicating, savage and I felt like I was one wrong step away from imprisoning myself.

But that nagging voice of reason wouldn't let me. It whispered words of caution about being consumed by something I couldn't control. How could I let my heart get involved with a man who was so far out of my reach? The consequences would be too much to bear.

I wanted to be honest with him but I'm afraid of what he would do with that honesty. To me he's unpredictable and powerful and I'm just a fragile leaf easily swept away by the storms he wielded. It's better to keep my feelings to myself and one day this will all be a faded memory.

Since the confrontation with Jonah, he clearly wanted nothing to do with me, and the way he ignored my presence not even sparing me a glance, made me feel invisible and worthless, more so than before. It was a strange mix of guilt and resentment; I knew I had pushed him away, but seeing him act so indifferent made my chest tighten with a heavy ache.

Despite my turmoil, it wasn't long that I was training with Amira and the young wolves again this week. This gave me the opportunity to release some tension and at the same time helped to distract me from my thoughts.

"You can do it!" Elliot said, his voice full of encouragement.

"I know, but I just can't seem to get the hang of it. My legs feel like jelly." I sighed, wiping the sweat from my brow.

"It's all about balance and timing. You need to trust your feet and let go of your fear." He demonstrated, gracefully moving through the steps with ease.

"You make it look so easy!" I cried, feeling more defeated than ever.

My muscles ached as I plopped to the ground, exhausted from training. As I watched Elliott and the wolves continue their drills, I heard Amira's voice break through my daze.

"Had enough?" Amira asked, coming toward me with a leather pouch dangling from her hand.

"Come," she said, her voice low and intriguing. "Follow me and stay close," leading me through the dense undergrowth. My heart pounded with apprehension about her motives and being alone with her.

Suddenly we stopped in front of a small mountainous cavern. In her hands, she displayed the leather pouch, shortly after pulling out a pair of silver daggers, their blades sleek and gleaming in the light.
The sight of them triggered a horrifying memory—me killing that scarred guard with a silver dagger.