In your arms

May 06, 2027 - Los Angeles

Hi everyone!
Thanks for reading!
Please pay attention: read chapter 33 first and also pay attention to the date (the title of the chapter) if you don't want to be too confused!
See you soon. 

The pile of papers and folders in front of me has been motionless for about three days, or maybe more. Every now and then I alternate between them, pick one up, turn it over: I'm trying to tell myself that I'm working, but mostly it's the message I'm trying to communicate to the outside world. In reality, the protocols, the reports, the files, the forms...it all adds up resoundingly without my being able to handle it for real. So I find myself crushed in an additional vice: will it be true that I am unable to fulfill the role of captain? Maybe everything works well as long as I have to replace someone for a short time. Then when the role of Captain descends on me indefinitely, I seem to lose all ability. What I am in now, then, is the most uncomfortable position ever, the one I never wanted to hold. So far I have told myself anything, even changed the chair, as if that really represented power. I have told myself the truth, which is that it was fate that snatched this position from Andy, not me: I was just in the right place, at the right time. Yet I can't stop feeling guilty. I cannot stop thinking that I have no real affiliation with this office, with that nameplate outside the door and on the desk, which reads "Captain Maya Bishop." I am usurping what is not mine.

Despite the fact that I am only pretending to work, I still roll my eyes when someone knocks on my door interrupting the flow of my thoughts: this is my safe island, not happy, but safe, and I don't want any interruptions or jolts.

I raise my head when the door opens and my eyes immediately glue themselves to Carina's: I cannot help a smile, albeit a tired one, forming spontaneously on my mouth.

M < what are you doing here?> I ask. I don't even stand up and sink my head back into the papers in front of me.

C < you haven't been home in three days..> she answers me just as coldly. I sigh: if it is true that I throw my back back in my chair and seem to relax, I am actually preparing for the inevitable war.

M < I'm working, Carina..>

C < the only one in the world who works nonstop..> she taunts me.

M < Carina..> I take a deep breath, trying to contain my growing nervousness. < you know I dropped this role from the sky, that I'm still trying to figure out how to do it..> at these last words of mine, Carina sneers.

C < figure out how to do it? You've been Captain how many times before today? Don't talk shit, at least!> I stand up, anger pouring out of my ears.

M < my best friend died, Carina! I took her job, her daughter, everything she had!> I exclaim, feeling my face go up in flames and tears swell my eyes. I close them, however, and take another breath: I cannot show weakness now, too. Carina sighs and takes a step toward me, sitting in one of the chairs in front of the desk.

C < I didn't come here to fight..> she says, but I burst out laughing.

M < next time change your attitude maybe..>

C < I just want you to understand that there are two of us here...we are in the same situation, Maya..> I shake my head.

M < we are not in the same situation!> I exclaim. < she wasn't your best friend...you aren't the one who gets drowned by all these responsibilities..> Carina remains seated, but only raises a finger, which shuts me up immediately.

C < no, Maya. Not this. Anything, but you can't afford to underestimate me or how I feel..> I sigh and nod, lowering my face. I take a few steps to get to her side, resting my butt on the desk.