In your arms

April 10, 2028 - Dr. Kennedy's office - Child Psychotherapist, Los Angeles

thank you everyone! see you soon

I am sure I will receive a speeding ticket in my mailbox in the next few days, but I cannot risk my own life at the hands of Carina by arriving later than I already am.

When the door is opened for me, I climb the stairs two by two and arrive more harried than ever in the waiting room of the doctor who follows Lucia.

M < babe, love, I know! I'm late, sorry! But there was a mess at work and I couldn't get off early...the Battalion Chief was there, even the mayor was there, and I certainly couldn't leave while the Chiefs plus Chiefs of Chiefs all gathered were talking. Then it was so late that I couldn't warn you, but I ran as fast as I could!!! Sorry, love, really!> Carina looks at me with a raised eyebrow and more than a tugged smile as I practically kneel on the ground, asking her for forgiveness. I hear a slight giggle behind me and I stand up embarrassed, turning to the doctor, who stares at me with an amused little smile.

K < I don't know about Carina, but I would have forgiven her for sure, Maya: welcome! Shall we go inside?> dead with embarrassment I can't even say a word, only follow Carina with my head down and red in the face.

I sit in front of the desk and immediately try to grab Carina's hand, but she remains cold and distant, so I fall back to barely graze her knee and withdraw my hands to my lap.

K < Maya. I am happy to see her again. How are you? > I clear my throat by nodding.

M < good. That is, I'm better now. However, I would like to know what she thinks about Lucia..> I get straight to the point, making her sneer again.

The doctor, in any case, grants my request and begins to give me a summary, quite detailed, of what has transpired in therapy over the past year. Most of the things Carina has obviously already shared with me, but I need to hear them, despite myself for the first time, from an experienced mouth.

M < this sounds like progress to me, doesn't it?> I ask and her gaze immediately takes on a nuance I can't quite grasp.

K < why are you here today Maya?> she catches me off guard and I search Carina with my eyes, hoping for help, but she only shrugs her shoulders.

M < I have been absent too long...from these meetings, from the meetings with the teachers at the kindergarten, from Lucia's life in general..even from the carefree evenings that she and Carina have shared during this time..> I pause for a moment and then add, with a bitter smile. < do you think that the other day I had to take care of her alone, Carina had an emergency at work, and coming out of kindergarten I had no idea what to do, what her habits were...I was very ashamed of myself..> I admit. The doctor nods attentively.

K < so are you here to help?> I look at her without understanding, then a hypothesis makes its way inside me.

M < oh, did you think I came here to criticize your work?> after a moment in which my question remains unanswered, I hasten to point out that no, that is not my intention.

M < can I ask a slightly more specific question, though?> I ask and the doctor agrees. I then explain that one of the reasons I was most hesitant about this path, and part of me still is, is Lucia's tender age: how does one really consider progress in something that is a drawing (which are then always squiggly lines...) a little less somber or two little puppets hugging each other instead of each walking their own way? I also clarify that I am well aware that the doctor has studied for all of this, but it is still a little difficult for me to understand.

K < so do you think speech is necessary to heal?> she asks me and I nod hesitantly.

M < maybe? Even?> I grope around and look for Carina's gaze, which is on me, but totally neutral and unreadable in my eyes. Facing Carina's reaction, I wish I could explain again, but the doctor's voice brings me back to reality.