Every Part Of Us

30. Stay

I spent this evening the same way I'd spent all my last ones.

Alone in my room staring at my computer screen.

Ever since I had my freak out and talked with Jake I'd gone down a research rabbit hole. Jake had sent a whole spreadsheet of some resources and information he thought would help. I'd went through all that in the first week and now I'd spiraled into the depths of the internet reading as much as I could. I didn't know when I'd ever felt like this.

When I ever felt like I could settle in my skin for even a moment.

I was finally not alone in my feelings. I found so many people talking about their own experiences and feelings that I could finally admit that maybe there wasn't ever anything wrong with me.

Just because I was different from my friends didn't make it a bad thing.

That was something that had taken a lot of reading to accept. I'd felt so different and broken for so long it was hard to unlearn it.

Finally accepting that I was asexual had its positives but also a huge negative. The one negative being Reid. I'd ended things with him and these last weeks I felt like something was missing.

I was missing him.

But I didn't know if I could reach out, if I could try to take everything back. The situation hadn't changed. I didn't want to have sex. I knew I had feelings for him, I felt that deep in me. I wanted to be close to Reid, to kiss him, to feel the warmth of his body against mine. But I couldn't give him more than that.

So I stopped myself every time I picked up the phone. I couldn't ask him to accept anything less than what he deserved. Reid deserved someone who could give him everything.

I was interrupted from my reading by the doorbell and some rapid knocking coming from my front door.

I figured it was probably Jake coming to bother me yet again. He'd been showing up randomly saying he was bored and wanted someone to hang out with. I told him that was what Evan was for but he ignored me and kept showing up. I knew he was really just coming to check on me so I stopped fighting it.

I opened the door ready to tell Jake I was fine and he could stop worrying about me but the words died in my throat.

It wasn't Jake in front of me.

"Reid." I was totally shocked to see him here in front of me.

I hadn't expected to have him show up. I figured that I would be the one to have to reach out. I would need to make that step.

But I didn't need to make that step because here he was and it only took one look to know he was very much not okay. His eyes were rimmed in red like he'd been crying and just the way he stood there in front of me made him look small and defeated.

"I know we aren't talking-," he started but I cut him off.

"Get in here." I reached out pulling him through the door and right into my arms. I didn't care that I had ended things or that we hadn't talked in weeks.

Reid looked like he needed a hug so I was going to give that to him.

The second my arms wrapped around him he leaned right in melting against my touch. This is what I had wanted, this was what I needed.

Just Reid, in my arms. Nothing would ever beat the feeling of this. I was kidding myself into believing I could go without this.

That I could ever walk away from this boy.

"I don't even know why I came here but I just couldn't be in that town and I think I really needed this." Reid tightened his grip on me as if he was scared I was going to pull away.

He was scared that I'd leave him.

Again.

I had no plans of letting this boy go until he told me to. If that meant standing here with him wrapped around me all through the night I would. Even if it meant my legs would be exhausted by the morning.

"You don't need to explain yourself, I'll be here for you whenever you need me."

There was no going back. Even as all the reason I walked away the first time were being screamed in my ears. I couldn't push him away.

Maybe Jake was right, maybe if I gave him the option he'd choose me anyways.

"Will you?" He leaned back slightly to look at my face searching for the lie.

"Always." The word slipped out of my mouth before I could even think.

Reid took a second to scan myself again and then seemed content with what he saw there because he let his head fall back to my shoulder. I felt him press closer, his chest bumping against mine. I didn't want to push him to explain what had happened. He didn't owe that explanation to me so instead I just kept my arms around him and let my body soak into his warmth.

It wasn't hard for myself to admit that after these past few weeks that Reid wasn't the only one who needed this.

I didn't know how long we stood there in silence but it could have been just a few minutes or it could have been an hour. But it didn't last long because soon Reid's voice filled that silence again.

"He kicked me out, I don't have anywhere to go."

I'd known that things between Reid and his brother weren't the best. Reid had called me multiple times after arguments between him and Ronan but I hadn't thought it was this bad. That all those fights could lead to Reid not having any place to go.

"You can stay here if you want." I had nothing to offer that could fix this for him but I could let him stay here with me and try to make it better,

It didn't feel like enough but it would have to be.

"Really? Are you sure? I could go stay with Connor." This time when he leaned away to look at me he also took a step back taking his warmth with him.

"Reid stay, I want you here, I wouldn't have offered that if I didn't." I had to force the please back down my throat, I didn't want to result to begging but I wasn't ready for him to leave just yet.

I had Reid here in my house. This might be my one chance to make things right.

"Okay." He nodded.

I refused to mess this up again, if Reid found a way to forgive me then I'd make sure he never regretted it.