All the Unsaid Things (enhypen)

|| Those Eyes I Remember ||

warnings: profanities, lgbtq...scene 

jungwon - pov

I've never experienced being a backup dancer but, god, I have so much respect for their choice of outfit. Black hoodie, loose jeans. That's all. Not even much makeup. This was probably the first and last time we'd be performing Bite Me so underdressed, but trust when I say, those pearly jackets are not your first choice to be dancing in. The layer of pearls was like 20 wraps of bandage wrapped around all the important joints, the sewing inside thick and messy, scratchy and ticklish in hell-like places.

One thing I always make sure I have and wholeheartedly value is comfort. It could be a place, a certain scenario, or even a person, as the past has proved. Walking in drizzle. Cold showers on cold mornings. Warm drinks. Soft clothes after having my hair washed. Hugs.

Wearing scratchy pearly outfits is not one of them.

Not today, pearls.

The best part about this was probably for the costumes team, who needn't make or place orders since apparently all seven of us have our own black hoodies and jeans that are nearly identical. Few were also bought together from the same stores. After I had sprinted away far from the Hybe building, all form of thrill and joy had somehow escaped my grasp as my face and eyes refused to cooperate and remained puffy the entirety of our way to the shoot location.

Everyone was home 10 minutes after I had ran off as we got dressed in silence, only slight murmurs of concern whizzing past my ear but I couldn't care less.

There was only one concern ringing in my head. I was holding Enhypen back and I couldn't do anything about it. Whose dumbfucking idea was it to make a kid a leader? A failure a leader?

I really thought I had gotten over my so-called phase of self-hate and consciousness and breathing away from it was like a freedom I never got to experience before. Looks like it had never happened, only my brain convincing itself that the right course was shoving thoughts away. There is a prominent difference between not visible and non-existent. But I failed to draw the line between them, and I failed to make myself better, so who else can? No one in Enhypen can get better on my behalf and...and they can surely notice the decline in my voice as it gives out.

No. I can't do that to them. I have to, so that I don't drive us apart, or worse, drive us against each other. I get that they will always be looking out for me and for each other more than I have for anyone in my entire life. I failed to do that. More than once.

For a second, as I stared into my reflection in the car window, these thoughts clouding my head, I didn't see myself, but a girl. A girl, with pale skin, a tall, skinny frame, long black hair, a careless laugh shining through those sweet lips and striking green eyes as she sat on a school bench during lunch. I miss those carefree days and I miss her. But she was nothing more than another relationship I failed to keep intact and failed to make successful. To this day, I think of it, I ask myself why I did what I did and no matter how much I try to find an excuse, a greater cause, there was none.

The skies turned a bluish grey, reflecting my mood perfectly as a slight drizzle shot darts at the windows, threatening to snow. Split between two groups, I was with Sunghoon, who sat up front, Sunoo and Niki, who was dozing away in the nap weather. The other three in the other car, the space was quiet, devoid of a teasing Heeseung and a noisy Jake. I looked at Sunoo scroll Weverse on his phone for a few minutes before I returned my gaze to outside the window, something clawing my insides as I sneezed few times into my sleeves.

Or was it just hunger?

The two cars had idled in the parking lot at about the same time, our drivers ushering us out as we tried to fit the eight of us into three umbrellas, a staff member from Hybe being the last person. Shoes splashing the small puddles, as we tried to kick mud water at each other's ankles, we finally reached the side entrance of the location. Clicking open the door, a rush of warm air hit my face despite the humid rain outside. The seven of us entered the place as the staff of the location rushed around us, leaving our accompaniment from Hybe to fold and set aside the soiled umbrellas.