Honey and Scars

Midnight

I had spent most the day at Vicky's, talking, laughing and even crying. Well, may I correct? She cried, I did not. Alex had apparently been caught kissing another girl by the same lake they swam at together, which left her mortally devastated. It feels nice having a distraction from my own thoughts, so I'll always listen to Vicky's drama. And of course, she is my truest friend, so it would be wrong of me not to.

"Bye Han. Thanks for talking." Victoria said as she hugged me tightly.

"Of course Vicky. Anytime." I responded, returning her hug.

We waved goodbye and she closed the door behind me.

It was around dinner time, and I knew if I wasn't back by then Petunia would become worried. I hurried my way back across the dirt road and into the front door. I slid my shoes off and when I entered the dining room I saw Matteo already in his seat.

I didn't look at him, instead I sat down.

"Sorry I'm late." I acknowledged. I didn't owe him an apology. Why did I say sorry? Ugh, stupid girl.

"It's alright. No need to apologize. I just got here anyway." He responded.

I looked at him, and found that he was already looking at me. Our eyes made contact, which was held for what felt like centuries. My breath increased as our gaze did not break. Time stopped around us. I was simply lost in his eyes.

"Dinner is served! So sorry, the chicken took a minute longer to cook than expected." Petunia said as she carried in a large platter full of food.

I snapped out of my trance and turned my gaze towards Petunia. "Oh, it's alright. Thank you Petunia!" I assured kindly, and looked down at the food she placed in front of me.

She placed down the rest of the food, and then nodded her head before leaving. The air felt tense.. but not awkward. More.. lustful?

I fiddled with the food on my plate as I pushed it around with my fork.

Matteo coughed awkwardly. "I uh, hope you had a good day. I'm going to town to get some wood tomorrow if you'd like to go." He said, but did not look at me.

I nodded and bit my bottom lip. "Alright. Thanks. I'll uhm let you know in the morning."

Silence.

Neither of us said anything. The only sound in the room was the sound of the old grandfather clock ticking, and the expensive china clinking.

"Hannah. About the other night-" Matteo began to say before I cut him off.

"I don't wanna talk about it, please." I said and stood up. I didn't want to talk about what happened. The blood, the tears, it was all too much to think about, let alone talk about with a man I knew all too well, even though I wish I didn't.

"I'm full." I said and set my napkin down before running out of the dining room and up the stairs. I entered my bedroom, and the closed the door behind me.

I can't face it. I can't talk about it. I wish I could, but what happened with Matteo and I was an accident. He was never supposed to see what I did behind that door, he was never supposed to see my tears, he was never supposed to see me. And now that he did, it's all ruined. He could tell my parents. He won't. But I can't know for sure. The more we talk about, the more I think about it, the worse it hurts and the more real it becomes. That cannot happen.

It was much later than I'd like it to be, and once again I was awake. I can't sleep. Not now. Not after what happened at dinner. After I ran up to my room I read a whole book. It's been hours. It must be midnight. I took the watch from my bedside table and nodded to myself. It read 12:32. Even better.