Honey and Scars

Letters

I've stopped cutting myself. It's been weeks. Matteos had such an effect on me, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't completely enjoy it. There's no point in harming myself anymore. Matteo's helped me see a side of myself I've never been able to. I see how my parents actions and words influence me so deeply now, and as much as I miss the release of cutting myself, I know Matteo would have a fit if he found out I started again. I still dislike myself so much, and the endless thoughts of taking a knife to my skin are still frequent, but not as often. And that's what matters.

I sighed as I lugged myself down the stairs. I'm going to be eighteen in four days. I'm so very scared. So very nervous. But, so very... excited. Although, they say that's the same feeling as being afraid so who knows?

It was early evening and the air was hot and humid. Leaves were slowly changing colors, and the grapes on the vines were slowly beginning to wilt away. My favorite time of year. Things begin to die, and so do I. In my mind anyway.

My parents had been away all day on some business meeting, and I'd spent the afternoon helping Petunia cut collard greens in the kitchen. I carried a large bucket of cloth down the stairs, heaving at each step. I seriously am so out of shape.

When I got to the kitchen I placed the bucket on the table and wiped the beads of sweat forming my forehead with the back of my arm. It was dark, and I'm assuming Petunia was picking vegetables for dinner out in the garden. I usually didn't do work in the kitchen, but Petunia has been working lot and I have nothing better to do.

Matteo's room was just down the hall which only spiked my curiosity. Last time I went into his room he had my underwear. It makes me wonder what else he has hidden away in his little chamber.

I looked up the stairs to make sure Petunia wasn't coming down, then walked down toward Matteo's room.

His door was closed, but the second it was opened his lingering scent engulfed my smell, nearly knocking me senseless. God I need to be close to him.

I closed the door behind me and closed my eyes. I'm not sure why I feel this way away about him, but it's only been one day and I need him more than ever.

I sighed and stood there for a minute as images of Matteo dominated my every thought. He had a control over me like no other, and in all honesty I don't know what I'd do without it.

I walked over to his bed and ran my hands across his sheets before taking a seat. Across from me was a bookshelf which held books, boxes, and a stack of cards? I stood up and walked towards the book shelf, the curiosity nearly eating me alive.

Stacked on the dusty shelf were four envelopes. As I picked them up my eyes widened seeing that my name was written across the top one. I looked at the second to see that it too, had my name on the front. The other two did as well, and as much as I knew I shouldn't I opened the first one.

I returned to taking a seat on his bed as I read the first letter inside the envelope.

My dearest Hannah,

I'm not sure if you'll ever read this, which is okay with me because I'm sure I'll tell you with my own words.

You my love have baffled me since the day I met you. When you ran down the stairs I fell in love. I saw your cuts, as the blood was leaking onto that white shirt of yours. You may think that you can keep your feelings hidden from me, but mark my words you can't. I will always find out, just like how I know the way you touched yourself in the bath that night. I could hear your thoughts from outside of the door, and I'll have you know it took far too much control not to come show you what it would feel like to have my hands tracing all your beautiful curves

As I read the paper words my heart race sped up, and a familiar ache formed between my thighs. How did he know? I need to know. Fuck me.

Where the hell is he?

I continued to read, my palms becoming sweaty.

Please don't be alarmed when I show you how I feel. Trust me, you'll come begging for more until the insatiable yearning for my cock inside of you is forever fulfilled.

Right now you're asleep, and I took it upon myself to check on you.

Sweet dreams my angel.

I'm sure my pupils dilated as I read the last sentence. He's as crazy as I thought he was, and I want every single crazy piece of him.

That night at dinner I barely ate. I couldn't stop thinking about what he wrote in the letter, and the things he said to me just mere weeks previously. Granted, I don't eat regardless.

"Darling? What's the matter? You've barely touched your dinner." My mother inquired, obnoxiously sipping her glass of red wine.

"Nothing ma. I'm just tired." I lied, suppressing my true feelings.

"This doesn't have to do with Matteo does it?" She asked, faking a look of concern.

"No mother."

I played around with the potatoes on my plate, not caring to show any manners.

"Mhm. Alright then. Well maybe you should sleep?" She suggested and looked at my father whom was busy reading the paper.

He never cares about my well being.

I nodded and stood up, placing the napkin that sat on my lap back onto the table.

"Yeah. Night." I said glancing at both my parents before leaving.

I sat on my windowsill staring out at the vineyard. The moonlight shone on the leaves creating a beautiful shadow. I decided to take the letters up to my room so I could read them on my own time. I'd return them soon. I just need a chance to closely examine each one.

I opened the second letter and rested my head against the wall of the window bench. 

Hannah.

Im sorry for not finding you sooner. Our souls have been dancing together since the dawn of time, yet our physical bodies took far too long to reunite. Let me show you how much I admire you.

You woke up from a nightmare. You weren't wearing pants. I comforted you, and you clung to me so tightly. I wanted to make your nightmares go away by creating new ones. Ones full of pleasure, but you were so scared, so sad, and I had to be there for you. I'll always be there.

When you move, I move. When you breathe I breathe. And when you hurt deeply beyond repair, I heal. Let me break you. Let me completely destroy you. Let me shatter you to pieces, so that I can pick you up and rebuild all those broken shards.

Soon you won't have nightmares. Soon I'll be haunting your dreams instead.

Holy shit. His words were powerful, deep, and quite frightening. As much as I wanted to run and hide, pretend like I never met him, and ignore the feelings I have, I cannot. I can't because he'll just find me again. He'll always occupy my every thought, and every single word he wrote was so very true, so very raw, so very real.

I can hear his voice in the words I read. They're so close I swear I can hear them whisper around me like phantoms.

"Come to me Hannah."

God. I'll always come to you.

"Mm. Look at me. When I'm done with you you'll forget your name."

Yes please.

"Im determined you revenge you until every last piece of you is marked by my name."

I can hear his voice, I can feel his whispering breath against my neck, and if I sit silently enough I can feel his fingers explore my body with a touch so raw, so hungry, so lustful I could faint.