The list of sinners

...Celia...

I gave myself  a moment to clear the cobwebs from my mind and allow the night visions to take the place of the day, to move towards what was more concrete, in things more fixed and real like the type of reality. The sunlight was not yet visible on the horizon due to the bad weather, and it seemed like it was still ten o'clock at night. Even though it was dark outside, the clock was the only compass for orientation.

My mind couldn't forget Tian's death for a moment. It was like a flea that constantly itched me, not allowing me to have peaceful sleep. Every day as I breathed, it seemed like an extension of that tragic night. It didn't feel like a fresh new day at all.

Exactly in these moments, I had reached the point where I was angry with God for taking away the dearest people who had marked my life, but on the other hand, I felt disgust with myself for doubting him so easily. I was relieved that he wasn't a murderer, but the reason why he was killed was a mystery. Those knives in his drawer somewhat made a logical connection, but who wouldn't doubt, after all?

"Tian...I'm so sorry."

I wiped away the tears gently with the tips of my fingers, as my cheeks had hardened from the tears of the past few days. Even though the clock simply showed six in the morning, a very heavy day awaited me, and I made sure to gather myself together.

After my morning ritual, I headed towards the refrigerator to consume something, but it was almost empty. I hadn't gone shopping for a few days, and there were barely three products left. If I even had a bite of those, I could likely get poisoned.

I picked up my phone, which I had left aside for a long time. As soon as I turned it on, the screen was filled with notifications, messages, and missed calls. There were many calls from Vicky and the café owner, which seemed like I was in trouble.

By the time it was eight, I passed by the café. Perhaps the owner wouldn't take into account what I would say, but ultimately I would tell the truth. As a result, a considerable amount was deducted from my salary. At least it allowed me to return home for winter break.

After leaving the café, I decided to head to the city park, holding onto the idea that the fresh air could somewhat ease my emotional burden. Everywhere I looked, I saw people walking, running, talking, and holding hands, some even embracing each other. This park itself turned into a visual embrace for my imagination.

It had been a while since I last saw Vicky, and I didn't know how she had been lately. I decided to call her even though it might be late. I wasn't sure if there were any missed calls because she answered very quickly. I asked her to come to the park and join me since she didn't have a class.

"Thank you for coming."

"It's nothing," she said. "I tried to call you, but you didn't answer. I thought for a moment that history would repeat itself, and..."

"I was just overwhelmed, nothing more. Above all, I wasn't even at my own house."

"I know...I passed by your house, but the housekeeper of the place where you stay also said he hadn't seen you."

"You won't believe it, Vicky, but I met the "charm"."

"The "charm"? Tian's charm?"

A smile saved us after all this time, truly shining like a ray of sunshine breaking through the wall of black clouds.

"After you called me that night, I ran towards the scene. From the tears, I had a panic attack, and that's how I found myself on Donovan's sofa."

"Donovan Mayfire...excellent," Vicky added.

"Charming," I said.

"6'1'' tall."

"It seems like I can still hear his voice..." I said, looking up at the sky.

"The same happens to me...as if I could hear once again the nonsense he used to say... they wouldn't bother me, and in fact, they never did..." Vicky said, wiping tears from the corners of her eyes. As for the knives you found in his drawer...they were decorative. The missing knife... he had taken it somewhere to clean it.

"I'm glad you told me," I said somewhat relieved.

"Celia...I want to tell you something."

"Of course, anything."

"It's good that we met because we never knew when we could see each other."

"What do you mean, Vicky?"

"My parents are thinking of transferring me to another university."

Those words hit like a bomb. Another separation. For a moment, it felt like my head was spinning.

"They've thought well," I said, squeezing my knees.

"What?"

"At least you'll be safer somewhere else, Vicky. At least I won't see...your name in the news."

"C-celia..."

"I want you to be well, Vicky...I want my loved ones to be well...nothing more."

Her arms rested on my body. I wanted to climb after those arms, I wanted to become one with them, I wanted her to never leave. I wanted to be melted under that embrace.

-I love you very much, Celia.

-And I love you too, Victoria.

It seemed like everything truly had an end. What was happening both outside and inside me was difficult. The only thing I wanted was to walk with them through every storm, but it was like trying to keep a small child from a sudden fall.

What I wanted for myself was to focus on reducing suffering and increasing love. I wanted to be able to bear this pain before it suffocated me, and for this, I decided to go back a week before the start of winter break.

"Celia! It's you..."

"Oh, dad..." I said and burst into his arms.

Don't they say that no one will leave this world alive? Well then, I intend to leave the most beautiful and greatest mark I can in the lives of those who met me.