The lights are blinding.
The music defeaning.
There are too many people. Too much noise. Vincent is drowning in the consequences of his own actions, forced underwater each time he manages to break through the surface.
The engagement ring around his finger is heavy, like an iron weight placed around his ankle. Dragging him down to bottomless pits, sentencing him to a life he doesn't want and has no idea how to navigate.
Manon shines brightly beside him, like a gem placed beneath the sunlight. She is happy to be engaged to him. She is happy she will get to marry him soon. She thinks he is a reliable and chivalrous partner and that he will be an even greater husband.
"Congratulations!"
"When is the wedding taking place?"
"You should have children soon. It's not like you have all the time in the world!"
Children?
Vincent feels his throat tighten. He had almost forgotten about that. About the so-called duties he must perform as a husband. The expectations placed upon him.
"I love you!"
Rody's voice yet echoes within the chambers of his mind, haunting him every moment he is awake. At night, when he tries to find some repose, Vincent is rendered restless by nightmares that only grow more vivid, consumed by a giant flame. He supposes this is his own cross to bear. The repercussions of backstabbing Rody once more.
He gave Rody up for this. For money. For success. He traded Rody for a loveless yet prosperous life.
In this life, he would never love anyone else again. At least, not in the way he loves Rody.
He could perhaps learn to love Manon in due time, but it would always lack depth and meaning. She would always feel like a mere acquaintance instead of a life partner. Perhaps things would be different if he could at least tell her the truth. Maybe he could come clear about who he really is, and maybe she would accept him for it and keep hiding with him inside the cocoon of their upcoming lavender marriage.
But the likelihood of that happening was slim, slimmer than the earth stopping its orbit around the sun. For all her kindness and goodwill, Manon was still one of them.
She couldn't understand him even if she tried. And Vincent cannot jeopardize it all for the slightest taste of freedom. He has to accept he will have to play a role with her, just like he does with everybody else. He will have to pretend to be the husband who desires her in a way he simply can't.
Most men didn't even love their wives, entertaining them only when they wanted to reproduce. But Vincent isn't sure if he can even do that. Her body, albeit beautiful, isn't something he wants pressed against him in any way.
He hasn't even had sex with anyone yet. How is he supposed to do this now of all times, with a woman no less? He doesn't want to. He really doesn't want to.
Why does sex have to be such an integral part of relationships? Why can't they just sit down together and have some tea instead? Why does he have to endure the grievance that is having someone's naked body against his while also being nude and covered in sweat and other bodily fluids?
The mere thought of it makes something inside him shrivel up in distaste.
He can only hope he can power through it when the time comes.
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The Death of Our Innocence (Dead Plate Swap AU)
Fanfiction[𝘾𝙊𝙈𝙋𝙇𝙀𝙏𝙀𝘿]+[𝗱𝗲𝗮𝗱 𝗱𝗼𝘃𝗲] Two childhood best friends turned into strangers reunite thirteen years later, under unfortunate conditions. Rody once a carefree and rowdy teenager, had taken life seriously and became a businessman. A...
