Admiring the Light

Ep 59

"So..." Penelope stood in the doorway of Caitlyn's room.

"So."

"Uh... usually they'd shout right back?" She asked.

"Heh, every time it's funny."

"You start a fight, and you know what the response will be. You're in control of the situation."

"Oh, now you're gonna turn this around on me like I'm some power seeker." Caitlyn snapped.

Penelope waited for the interruption to stop; picking right up where she left off, her tone even. "Then you pick a fight with me, expecting me to shout back, but I don't. That shook you. So you start grasping at anything you can, because-"

"I'm not shaken up by some old woman that thinks she knows me based on a file."

"Because you knew that you had lost any kind of power over the conversation. I'm not an idiot, Katie."

"You think you're fucking smart, huh? You getting all smug about this?" She hissed.

"Do you think you're smart?"

"I'm smart enough to know when I'm being manipulated."

"Do you think you're being manipulated? Or are you just proving my earlier point without even realizing?"

"Fuck you-"

"Maybe, instead of trying to one-up me, blindly grabbing for a hint of control, we have a conversation, Katie."

"Why would I have a conversation with a fucking asshole that thinks she's cool?"

"Because this is normal, having a conversation that you initiate with a parent about whatever you feel like. What isn't normal is being ignored, neglected, shouted at to go away. And in turn, having a conversation that I initiate with you. Not confrontational or scolding or belittling. Just an average moment. You're scared because you interpreted what I said as me interrupting and being aggressive, going on the offensive. You think I want to reclaim some kind of lost power, because that's what all of your parents before have done. Your previous parents wanted to keep you under control, as you're supposedly a troublemaker, and they probably felt like their authority was being undermined and that they needed to regain it. Returning to my point from earlier, you think you're going to lose control over the situation. You think I want to get you into a vulnerable state and pacify you. Katie, a parent isn't supposed to be big at the expense of you being small."

Caitlyn didn't even have an answer, she just let out a deep, long sigh.

"How about you tell me something about yourself, and I tell you something about myself?" Penelope offered.

"Can we talk about this later..."

"Of course, no need to ask."

...

"I just want my mom or dad to try and reach out to me again, fuck! They're out there and probably just ignoring me because they don't fucking want me and I'm just their screw up! I'm just their fucking screw up!"

"You're not the screw up here. Nothing you've been through- it's-"

"THEN WHY DID SHE LEAVE?"

"Some people are assholes, and you can't just continue blaming yourself for their actions. That wasn't your fault, there's no way of presenting it as your fault."

"Fuck you and your smart wording JUST SHOUT BACK AT ME- I CAN'T-"

Penelope shook her head, letting Caitlyn pull herself in. "We're gonna be okay. I won't let them toss you aside."

"I will not let them just cast you aside."