legacy

i love you, i'm sorry

"mommy come sit with us!" i heard adalyn yell from the floor as i plopped down on the couch. it's been a week since fergal and i's blowup. he's been on the road for the better part of that week, only calling or texting to ask or speak to the kids. every time i try to ask him about us he just changes the subject.

he missed my 25 week ultrasound this week and i'd be lying if i said that didn't sting. i know i didn't give him a chance to go to the first one but he knew about this one. he knew this was important to me. i just had hope that it was important to him too.

"you guys watch your movie. mommy's back is killing her." i said as i laid back on the couch. it's been exhausting chasing the kids around for the last week. i took for granted how easy everything is when fergal is around. the kids cling to him and without him here...they cling to me. and quite frankly i just need a nap.

i haven't spoken to anybody who was here for the blowup besides mercedes. everyone's tried to reach out but i'm so embarrassed of how i acted that i haven't responded. but mercy would never let me ignore her. she even brought eli over for a play date with the kids so i could keep them busy for an hour.

i heard a knock at the door and sighed. i wasn't expecting anyone and to be truthful, i don't want to see anyone. but something told me to push myself off the couch and open the door. and when i did, i was greeted by fergal on the other side.

"uh...hey." i said in a bit of shock. he didn't even call or text to say he was stopping by. i mean, it's his house he can do what he wants, but i would assume he'd usually see what we're doing before just dropping in. but i'm happy to see him. "hey. can i come in and see the kids?" fergal asked me.

i hate this. i hate the awkward tension. i hate that we're walking on eggshells around each other. i hate that there's long pauses between both of our responses. i just fucking hate this. "yeah, of course." i said as i stepped to the side and allowed him into the house.

fergal went into the living room with the kids and i heard them all cheer. but i just found myself stuck in the same place, holding the door open. i don't know why seeing fergal is such a shock to my system. i guess i'm still in the mindset that if he left, i'd never see him again.

i walked into the kitchen and spotted the ultrasound photos that hung from the fridge. i put them up so the kids could all see their little sibling. not that any of them can really comprehend it besides adalyn and kinsley. the doctor gave me two sets and i just kinda held onto them both since fergal and i weren't talking. i grabbed one set and walked into the living room.

"these are from my ultrasound the other day. they're healthy and happy." i said as i handed fergal the photos. he looked at me in shock as he took them from my hand. "i-i'm sorry pam. it completely slipped my mind." fergal said. i shrugged my shoulders before taking my spot back on the couch.

i scrolled through my phone, trying not to pay any attention to fergal, when i felt a small pain strike the side of my stomach. "shit." i mumbled as i placed my hand to the spot. "you okay?" i heard fergal ask and all i did was nod my head. then another pain, a bit more intense, hit right next to my hand. and that's when i realized that these weren't pains...these were kicks.

"are you sure you're okay?" fergal questioned me again. i looked up to meet his gaze and just felt myself soften. i'm a sucker for those blue eyes every time. i grabbed his hand and put it on the spot that the baby just kicked. and almost on que, the baby kicked fergal's hand. "oh my god! hey there, little guy." fergal said as he put his hands on either side of my bump.

i smiled as i watched fergal talk to my stomach and the baby reacted with kicks. but then the realization set in that this could be every day for us. but it's not. and it's all because of me. i felt tears brim my eyes as i turned my head away so fergal couldn't see. i heard him let out a breath as he placed his hand on my knee.