legacy

meet the girl who flew too high

two months later

"mommy! daddy's match is next!" i heard adalyn yell from the living room as i finished putting together a bowl of popcorn. the last month has been...peaceful. or at least as peaceful as it can be. it feels so good not having to watch over my shoulder constantly. but another part of me still feels awful.

fergal went back on the road shortly after the incident. they wanted him to return quickly to be apart of a new faction, the judgement day. how ironic. ashley and mercy have been coming over more often to help with the kids. i'm now 36 weeks pregnant and can't say i'm not getting nervous. it's so great having their help when fergal can't be here and eli loves hanging out with kinsley and addie.

fergal had the guys come over earlier this week and they finished up the nursery. now we're just playing the waiting game. i can't lie and say i'm not anxious for how life will look after the baby comes. will fergal still be on the road three days a week? will the kids be able to adapt to having a baby around again? i wish i had the answer to any of it.

"i'm coming! i'm coming!" i said as i walked into the living room. all the kids were crowded in front of the tv while ashley and mercedes sat on the couch. after we told becky about what happened with colby, she began to distance herself. i get it, she has torn emotions too. he was the love of her life at one time too. she deserves her space and that's what we're giving to her.

"daddy's gonna win the title tonight! i know it!" kinsley said as we watched him and the rest of the team make their entrance. it's so exciting to see the kids have a love for wrestling. "so, have you heard from becks recently?" mercedes asked me as she grabbed a handful of popcorn from the bowl in my lap.

"no. we're trying to give her space but at the same time i miss her. i hope she still wants to be involved with the wedding." i said with a shrug. fergal and i decided to start slowly making plans for the wedding. we haven't set a date but we've been touring venues and just coming up with ideas we want to do. nothing too serious.

"i'm sure she'll be back around by then. hell, knowing you and fergal, it'll probably be two years and two more kids until you walk down the aisle." ashley joked as i playfully slapped her shoulder. "i don't think there's anymore kids in our future. seven is enough." i said. "please, you two can't keep your hands off each other. i see a few more members of the balor club in the future." ashley joked again as i rolled my eyes.

i truly don't know if fergal and i will ever have more kids. we've never spoken about it at length. but i don't know if my body could go through it again. plus...i miss wrestling. i want to be in that ring so badly. sure, i love supporting and watching fergal, but it's not the same. i want the feel of the ropes against my back and the bruises you earn from doing bump after bump after bump. i want it all. and i'm not getting any younger.

"mommy! come sit on the floor with me!" i heard eli cheer as he ran into mercedes' lap. as soon as he collided with her, i watched her wine glass go flying all over her shirt. "aw shit! i'm so sorry!" she said as she tried to dry up what didn't hit her shirt and made it onto the couch. "don't worry about it. i'll get you a new shirt." i said as i pushed myself off the couch. after handing mercedes some paper towels to clean up with, i headed to fergal and i's bedroom.

as i rummaged through our closet for an old t-shirt, i felt a packet of papers fall from the top shelf and land next to me on the floor. i carefully bent down and picked up the folder that contained the papers. when i opened up the folder, i saw a paper that read:

         PRE-NUPTIAL AGREEMENT:
                        Fergal Devitt
                                   vs.
                    Pamela Martinez

i furrowed my brow as i read through all of the papers. it detailed everything that would happen if fergal or i filed for divorce. fergal got the house, our cars, our joint savings account. worst of all...he gets full custody of the kids. i get nothing but the clothes on my back. i felt my stomach tie into a knot as a sudden wave of nausea hit my body.

does he really think i would take everything? never mind that, does he really not trust me enough to hold onto our vows? "pam!" i heard ashley's voice call as she appeared in the doorway of the bedroom. she saw my sickly looking expression and responded with a confused look.

"what's wrong?" she asked as she took the papers from my hand. as she read through the paperwork, i could tell anger was boiling through her blood. "what in the fuck is this?!" she asked as she turned to me. "i have no idea. i just found it." i said with a shaky breath.

"if you don't kill him, i will." ashley said before looking back at the paperwork. soon, i heard footsteps coming down the hall and mercedes appeared in the doorway. and once she was filled in on our newfound discovery, she was filled with the same anger ashley is filled with.

"i'll kill that son of a bitch, just give me the word." mercedes said as she slammed shut the folder. i just shrugged as i sat down on the bed and put my head down. of course, gravity had to help all the tears i was holding back come to the forefront.

"oh pam, don't cry." i heard ashley said as she rubbed my back. "i just thought he thought higher of me. i thought he knew me better." i sniffled as i looked back up at them. i think the worst part of it all is knowing fergal could wake up one day, decides he doesn't want me anymore, and rip my entire life from me. it almost makes me not want to marry him at all.

+

i sat at the kitchen island, fergal's packet of papers sitting beside me on the barstool to my left, as i waited for fergal to emerge through our front door. after the girls left and the kids were asleep, i just let my mind race. i thought of every 'what if' i could come up with. and now i'm just waiting for fergal to come home so i can get some answers.

it shouldn't hurt as much as it does. i'm aware he's just trying to protect himself but how is it protecting yourself when you want to tear away everything of mine? at that point, it becomes vindictive. like he's marrying me and if that works out, great. if not, he takes everything from me.

i heard the front door open and quietly shut as i wiped away my tears. fergal is always so careful when he comes home so he doesn't wake the kids or i up. most times i don't even know he's home until i wake up in his arms. but not this time.

"hey baby. didn't know you were awake." fergal said as he walked into the kitchen and placed a kiss to my lips. i don't even have the strength to kiss him back. "yeah." i sighed as i looked down at the papers next to me. "what's wrong?" fergal asked as he grabbed a drink from the fridge.

i picked up the papers and threw them down onto the island. fergal looked at me in shock and i continued to stare down at the packet. "i-i can explain those." fergal said as he sat down across from me. "explain them? fergal, these say you can take everything from me. what if one day you wake up and decide you don't want me anymore? you get to just throw me on my ass?!" i snapped at him.

"i would never do that, pamela. i love you. this was just something my lawyer drafted up to show me." fergal said as tears gathered in my eyes. "why would you even have your lawyer draft up something like this?" i asked. fergal ran his hand through his hair and sat back in his chair in defeat.

"listen, i understand why you're upset. i get it. but this is to protect both of us." fergal said as i looked down at the papers. this isn't protecting anyone but him. and i can't sit here while he tries to feed me something other than the truth. "i think i'm gonna stay at mercy's for tonight." i said as i got out of my seat.

"wait, pam, please don't go." fergal said as he grabbed my wrist. i looked up at him as the tears finally overspilled and fell down my cheeks. "i can't even be around you right now." i said as i pulled my wrist away, grabbed my bag, and headed out the door.

it's not the prenup i'm mad about. it's the fact that fergal doesn't have trust in our relationship to think we might make it. trust that i have given him for almost eight years. i'm not going to beg for him to trust or love me. those days are over. i just don't know where these days will lead me to.