legacy

"C'mon guys! We have to get going!"

I called throughout the house as I picked Finn and Alex up from their pack and play. Have you ever tried to get six kids out of a house by yourself? It really isn't easy. Especially when you have a packed schedule that you can't stray from.

"I don't wanna go to Aunt Mercy's house!"

Kinsley whined as she walked out of her bedroom with her suitcase rolling behind her. I wish I could keep them with me but six kids on my schedule is just not going to happen. I'm so thankful that I have my four horsewomen to help me watch the kids but it doesn't make it any easier. I just wish Fergal was here. Life would be so much easier.

"Kins, please just help me out here. I only got a few hours of sleep and I have to be on a plane in three hours."

I pleaded with her as I put Finn and Alex into their car seats.

"You always do."

She mumbled as she sat her suitcase next to mine. She's way too smart for a six-year-old. She takes after her father. I strapped the kids into the car, packed everyone's suitcases and bags into the car, and was soon on the road towards Mercades' house. Once we arrived, Mercy, Becky, and Ashley all came outside and helped the kids and I with their stuff.

"Thank you guys for watching them again. I really gotta find a serious babysitter or something."

I sighed as I placed all the bags in the house.

"Don't worry about it. We got it. You go kick butt and we will all be watching."

Mercy said.

"Thank you. Again."

I said as I hugged her. I quickly left and next thing I knew, I was on a plane to some town in Texas. So, it's been three months since we left off. I don't know where to start. Life has taken me in all sorts of ways. One of those is just making myself so busy that I can't think. I don't grieve. I've never grieved Fergal. There's no point. I don't want to feel those feelings. So I just keep myself busy. Which isn't hard with six kids and a career.

So I decided that I was going to go back to work. I'm wrestling again. I need something to take the edge off or those kids would probably drive me insane. I love them but it's true. They are a handful. Kinsley is 6 practically going on 16. Finn and Alex are still babies and it gets hard trying to take care of them. Mason is warmed up to me but he has his days where he just wants Fergal and I can't give that to him. Adalyn is such a daddy's girl and just misses her dad. And Emilee is just a baby herself. It's hard having 4 kids under two. No one understands that.

So I just try and get through the week. I try not to think about Fergal because if I do, I breakdown. I often find myself crying to fall asleep. But I guess you just have to power through. Single moms don't have time to mourn over their dead husbands. I have to be strong for them.

I got off the plane and headed straight for the arena. I feel like every time I come in here I just am seen as the widow of Finn Balor. It sucks. No one sees me as me. I guess it's true that you are only who you date around here. The first show I came back to, all I got were flowers and widow casseroles. I ended up having the throw the flowers out but the casseroles fed the kids for a few weeks. I don't really eat a lot anymore. Who has the time?

"Pam!"

I heard someone call as I walked through the halls of the arena. I turned around to see Leah running up to me. She engulfed me in a big hug as she nearly knocked me down.

"Hey Leah. It's been a while since I've seen you."

I said with a smile as I hugged her.

"I know! I need to come and see you and your little babies soon! Also, I just really want to give you my condolences about Fergal."

She said. There it is. Widow casserole: verbal edition.

"Thanks. We're all still adjusting to life this way but...it takes time."

I said. I've gotten good at having this conversation. I've gotten good at disconnecting myself from anything. You know what they say; save the tears for your pillow.

"Listen, I'll see you later. But we need to catch up soon."

"Yeah."

I said with a smile as Leah walked away. Everyone does that. They give their condolences but they don't really care about how you are feeling. Or they wanna see the kids because they feel that those are the last living things of Fergal's. They don't have to live with this pain. Sure, they were his friends. But they don't know what it's like. But I just shove it down and put a smile on my face while I'm at work. I'll cry about it later.

I kinda stopped visiting Fergal's grave. Last I heard, fans found out where it was and started leaving stuff there. It's just too hard. I don't want to grieve. I can't grieve. Just push it down. Push it down, push it down, push it down. I wiped away the stray tear that fell down my face and rushed off to the girls locker room. I walked in to see Jessie and Cassie talking about their match. Both of their eyes fell on me with sympathy filled in them. I don't want your pity eyes. Don't get me wrong, they're great friends. But the pity eyes have to stop.

"Are you okay Pam?"

Cassie asked me.

"I'm fine."

I said as I put my suitcase on a bench and began unzipping it.

"Are you sure? You don't seem okay."

Jessie asked.

"I said I'm fine!"

I yelled as I ripped open my bag and grabbed my ring gear. I feel bad. I'm not one to have such an outburst. Especially at work. And they're such nice girls. I just need to push it down. Gosh, I'm an idiot.

"I'm sorry. I gotta change."

I mumbled as I rushed past them and into one of the stalls in the locker room. I quickly changed into my gear and when I came out, nobody was in the locker room. I grabbed one of Fergal's hoodies from my bag, threw it over my body, and headed towards hair and makeup. I just wanna be numb. I just want things to go back to normal. Yes, I am a widow. But that doesn't define me. But I guess it does in this business.

A few hours passed and I found myself in the gorilla, waiting for my music to hit. As soon as it did, I ran out to the roar of the crowd. This. This is what keeps me going at this point. I wish I could say it was my kids but...it's wrestling. It's carrying on Fergal's legacy in this business. I love my kids to death and I would go to the ends of the world for them but, this is my escape. I'm not the widow Pamela. I'm Bayley. And I love it.