legacy

shake it out

"Another one please. And a shot of Fireball please."

I said as I handed the bartender my empty beer bottle and sat back in my chair. Being on the road should make me happier, right? I'm living my dream and I'm suppose to be happy. I guess I just can't be when Fergal isn't here to share it with me. So I drink to help numb some of the pain. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.

The bartender handed me another beer bottle and a shot glass and I knocked back all the contents of the glass. The burning going down my throat was nothing compared to the burn in my heart. I just want this pain to end. The endless burning in my heart. The ache that only Fergal being here could fix. It never goes away. Maybe it never will. Who knows?

Maybe Mercy is right. Maybe I should start seeing someone. It's just that the idea of that breaks my heart. I vowed to love Fergal forever. Through thick and thin. And now that he's gone, that just doesn't matter? It does to me. But I know he would want me to be happy. And right now, I am the farthest thing from it.

"Hey drunky."

I heard someone say to me as they sat next to me. I looked over to see Colby next to me and rolled my eyes.

"Hey asshole."

I said as I took a swig from my beer bottle.

"Wow, beer? So unlike you. You usually wouldn't touch this stuff when we use to hang out with each other."

"Well broken people drink beer, right? I'm the most broken of broken."

I said as I took another swig from the bottle.

"What do you even want, Colby? I can slap you again if you really want that."

"I think I've had enough of your slaps for a lifetime. I just wanted to see how you were doing."

"Hmm, let's see. I'm a drunk widow with 6 kids. I'm doing fucking spectacular."

I said with a roll of my eyes.

"Well maybe let's put the bottle down."

"I'm over 21. I'll put it down when I want to."

I said as I drank the last of the contents and put it down on the bar.

"You know, if you come into work with even the slightest hangover tomorrow, you're gonna get in trouble."

Colby warned me.

"Oh please, the sad widow never gets in trouble. Everyone turns a cheek because I lost my husband to cancer. Nobody cares about me. They care about the kids though. They give their condolences for them. Nobody ever asks me how I'm doing. It's always "How are the kids taking it?" and "Can I visit the kids?". It's never "Hey, are you drowning yourself in alcohol and cutting yourself at night because you can't grieve your dead husband with two babies in the next room?"."

I choked out as tears streamed down my face. So I guess all my skeletons are out of the closet. I don't know why I told Colby about the red marks that line my wrists. I guess it's word vomit. Once you start, you never really can stop.

"Pam-"

"I've gotta go."

I said as I placed the money down for my bill and headed, well more like stumbled, out of the bar. I held myself up against the wall of the bar as I tried to call for a car on my phone. That's when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Pam, let me take you back to your hotel."

"I'm fine Colby."

I said as I went to take another step and almost fell.

"No you aren't. C'mon."

Colby said as he grabbed my hand and led me to his car. I rested my head against the cool window as Colby drove through whatever small town in Ohio we were in. As we arrived at my hotel, I dug my room key out of my bag and Colby opened my car door for me. As I got out of the car, Colby and I's faces got way too close for comfort. And next thing I knew, he kissed me.

I wish I could say that it made me feel amazing. I mean, it was a really good kiss. But I feel dirty. He's my best friend's ex and my husband's best friend. How many different codes does that break with just one kiss? I don't know. So I wish I could let myself enjoy a kiss with a nice guy but I just can't. Not with all the baggage it carries.

"I'm sorry. I've gotta go."

I said as I rushed past him and into the hotel. I rushed up to my room as tears began to gather in my eyes. I opened my suitcase and dug to the bottom and pulled out a small picture frame. I always travel with one of Fergal and I's photos. Specifically, it's the one of us in the courthouse after get got married. I laid down on the bed and help the photo close to my chest as I sobbed.

I betrayed him. I told myself everyday that I wouldn't move on. And now I kiss a new guy? And not just any guy, his best friend. If Fergal was still here...he'd probably kill Colby. And I just wish I could go back in time and never kiss him. But, at the same time, I can't say that I didn't enjoy it. I just wish there was a simple answer to this problem.

And Becky? She would kill me if she found out. I don't know how I could do that to her. I mean, she has done so much for me. She watches me kids on the weekends, she's tried to help me pick up the pieces of my broken life, and this is how I repay her. I'm a shitty friend. The shittiest to be exact.

I don't know if I'd ever want something to come out of Colby and I. Maybe he's the kind of guy Mercades thinks I would do well with. Maybe he's my new chapter. I don't know. I wish I had a sign from Fergal that I have his blessing. Because until I get that, I don't think that I could start a whole life with anyone, let alone Colby.