legacy

you & i

I laid my head against the window of the airplane, letting my mind wonder, as I felt a hand on my inner thigh. I looked over to see Colby falling back asleep in his seat next to me. For the past few weeks, Colby and I have been sneaking around with each other. No, not in the hook-up type of way. In the long talks till 2am and the deep conversations about life type of way.

I would love to move on. I would to say that I could be happy with another man. But my heart doesn't let me do that. My heart doesn't let me let go of Fergal. It aches for him at night even if Colby is on the other side of the hotel bed. It doesn't feel the same. But, at the same time, I know there's feelings there for both of us. I just hate jumping into something without knowing that I have Fergal's blessing. But at the same time, how would I ever get a dead man's blessing? I can't.

I don't know if I should talk to Becky before jumping into something with Colby. Sure, they're exes, but it's almost been a full year since they were together. She always says she's over him but she's not very convincing. My mind is just racing with the what if's. But maybe I should stop worrying so much?

I will always love Fergal. No one can ever say that I didn't love that man with my whole heart. I gave him fucking kids after he died. If that's not love, I don't know what is. But at the same time, I think it's time for me to start being a little selfish. I've put my kids before everything in these last few months. I think it's time that I dive into something for me. I wanna be with Colby. I'm happy with Colby. He makes me happy and that is something I haven't felt in a very long time.

"Colby."

I whispered as I shook him awake.

"What?"

He mumbled as he was still half-asleep.

"If we do this, you can't run. Or die."

"What are you talking about?"

He said, a little more awake this time.

"If we jump into a relationship, you cannot leave me. Because I come with 6 snot-nosed kids who need stability in their lives. They need a father figure since their Dads aren't here anymore. You can't wake up one day and decide that you don't love us anymore. I'm a package deal. Those kids and I come together and you can't have me without them. And you can't die on me either. Everyone I've ever love has died on me and I can't handle anymore heartbreak and death Colby. Because if you die on me, I don't think I'll be able to stand the pain."

"Hey, hey, I'm not going to go anywhere or die on you."

Colby said as he cupped my face.

"So are you sure you wanna go all in? Because I'm really damage. And I have a lot of baggage."

"I'm all in. Forever. I am all in with you if you want me to be."

Colby said. I smiled as I nodded and he crashed his lips into mine. So that make's it official. I'm somebody's girlfriend again. That's so weird to say. Especially wen my wedding rings are still on my finger as we speak. I just don't want to screw this up this time. I want to be happy. I want my happily ever after where I grow old with someone. And although I will always love Fergal and I will always be his wife, it's time for me to move on and grow as a person. And that includes Colby.