Two Sides of Love

21

I hate this.

I hate na mas kinikilig pa 'ko kaysa sa feeling ng pagkatalo kanina. I hate na gusto ko siyang suntukin dahil pinaasa niya 'kong mananalo, pero gusto ko rin siyang yakapin kasi... he made me feel like I already did.

Bakit ba siya ganon?

Esmael Craulen Asuarez, what the actual fck are you doing to me?

Hindi ako makatulog.

As in pilit kong pinipikit 'yung mga mata ko pero ang kapal ng utak ko-bawat pikit, mukha niya ang bumabalik. 'Yung stolen photo ko. 'Yung caption. 'Yung Cheezy. 'Yung pagpunas niya ng luha ko. At 'yung saglit na katahimikan sa rooftop habang magkatabi lang kaming dalawa.

Tangina. Nung una, academic rival ko lang siya. Taas-noo ako noon, feeling ko kaya ko siyang talunin. Pero ngayon? Ewan. Parang every move niya, every word, every nonchalant smirk-bigla na lang akong hindi makagalaw.

Tumayo ako. Hindi na ako mapakali. Binuksan ko ang phone ko, and for the first time since the contest... sinave ko 'yung picture namin ni Esmael sa rooftop. Oo, stolen lang, at hindi kami magkatabi, pero-ambigat ng meaning no'n para sa'kin.

Then I did something even worse.

Nag-open ako ng DM.

Me:
So... you brought the Cheezy just in case I lost? Or you always keep one in your bag for girls na umiiyak sa rooftop?

Sinend ko agad bago pa ako matakot. Tapos, pinatay ko 'yung WiFi. Like, full shutdown. Baka mabaliw ako sa reply niya.

ESMAEL'S POV

I don't really do that.

Comfort people.

Actually, I avoid that kind of mess as much as possible. Drama? Not my scene. I keep my headphones on, bury my head in a book, vape when it gets too loud, then go home like nothing happened.

Hindi ko naman usually ginagawa 'to. Kung tutuusin, hindi ko nga iniisip 'yung mga ganitong eksena.

I'm not the comfort-someone-when-they-cry type. Pero iba siya.

But when I saw Elia-nakaupo sa rooftop, holding back her tears like she's got no right to cry-I felt something crawl up my chest. Mabigat. Hindi siya 'yung tipo ng girl na delicate. She's strong. Competitive. Matalino. She walks like she knows what she wants.

So seeing her that broken?

That fucked me up a little.

Damn.

That broke her. At ako 'yung dahilan kung bakit.

I could've celebrated. I could've been proud. Pero hindi ko magawang ngumiti kahit suot ko na 'yung medal. Kasi wala si Elia sa tabi ng mga kaibigan niya. And I knew where she went. Of course I knew.

My body moved before my brain caught up. Lumapit ako. Tiningnan ko lang siya for a while. Alam kong iiyak siya, and for some reason, I didn't want anyone else to see her like that. Gusto kong ako lang.

I sat beside her. Hindi ako nagsalita agad. The silence felt right. Pero deep inside, my head was screaming.

Say something. Do something. Stop pretending na wala kang pake.

Hindi ako ganito.

Sa totoo lang, kung ibang tao 'yon-kahit pa matagal ko nang kaibigan-I'd probably send them a "Laban lang, bro" meme or that default "Kaya mo 'yan" reply.

Pero kay Elia... I stayed. I wanted to stay.

Naglabas ako ng panyo, but she just stared at it. Sigh. Kaya ako na lang 'yung nagpunas ng luha niya. She let me. She didn't speak. Hindi rin ako sanay sa ganitong eksena, pero something about her made me want to stay.