Two of a Kind

41

Thursday, Jun. 25
Summer 2020

______________________________________
▶︎ My Love - Jill Scott
———————————————————

Zendaya

"Good morning, Jack." I sarcastically greet the half empty bottle of Jack Daniel's Honey as I sit down to eat my breakfast.

I have three pieces of toast and three pieces of bacon. Plus, I have a banana waiting for me. I barely have the desire to eat anything heavy. 

I'm on my second shot this morning. I been taking two shots to start my day for the past five days to numb most of the grief I bear day after day.

One day, I'm angry, the next day I'm aching and in my feelings. Quite often, I get angry because I'm aching.  It's been a cycle every day for the past week.

Kamal has been letting me sulk and go through my emotions cause he knows I'll bounce back, but this time I don't know why it's taking me so long.

I didn't think it would end this way. Desolate and aching over her absence so much to the point that I couldn't even enjoy movie night.

At random times during the movie, I just felt a sorrow piercing through my chest like acupuncture in my heart chamber. We were watching the second Jumanji with The Rock and Kevin Hart. Comedies are supposed to make you laugh not leave you on the verge of tears. That night specifically I cried for hours, it was the worst night of sleep that I had in a while. I hated that I could physically feel an absence in my bed. It was crazy cause in the middle of sleeping, I woke up with such a strange feeling. I just knew something was being done and I was being disrupted on a deeper level. It felt like I was tethered with another energy and the connection was being torn away me, thread by thread.

After I cut Kamryn off last Tuesday, I blocked her phone number and I blocked her on Instagram cause I acknowledged that I couldn't move on from her and be reminded by her at the same time. However, something in me just couldn't let go yet, so last Thursday, I unblocked her and went back to her Instagram page to see if she posted anything or sent me any messages. To my surprise, she did. When I tell you I was so caught off guard.

Like... Confused is an understatement. How did we get here? Just a couple nights before, you were saying I'm your only one, then the next day you post about being soulmates with matching shoes. Not only are you claiming someone as your soulmate, but you do it publicly... Yet you're not looking for anything serious... It's not adding up. This can't be the same person or I couldn't have been significant to her at all. After a while, I abandoned that theory and went into denial mode. I hard down believed she could've been pranked or hacked.

Then, it was still there the next day. I thought: okay, maybe she wasn't hacked, maybe it's a prank or a bet. By the third day, I was thinking: okay maybe she just forgot to take it down after the bet was over. In spite of the daily agony, it dawned on me that it could, on the lowest of keys, be about me and her.

The feelings I felt with Kamryn were something that I never felt before. Our bond felt so intimate. It felt euphoric and intoxicating. I could see us dating and flourishing together. I had hopes it would be something that would last for a long time, but there is no more hope for us if she found her soulmate in someone else.

It's been a week since she made that soulmate post, I checked this morning with my spam page, because I blocked her on my main, and it's still there. This is not a drill, this shit is really real.