Solitude

Forty-Nine

My eyes follow her movements as she paces the length of my bedroom. It only adds to my unease and I have the urge to tell her to come sit by the bed with me, but it would be selfish of me to ask her to bottle up her anxiety for my comfort.

She stops right in front of me, her finger raised and her lips parted. She starts to say something, but she shakes her head and resumes pacing.

While I am doing a good job at remaining calm, my outward appearance is no reflection of the chaos that's going on. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to burn something down, but what good would that do me? How would that solve anything?

All we have done the past couple of weeks is try to solve things, but it feels like no matter how hard we try, we just mess it up even more. Maybe we're just deluded by childish arrogance and we really have no power. Or, it's the adults who are to care for and guide us that chose to instead abuse this power, then blame us when things go awry.

It doesn't matter either way. All that matters is that I don't think this is something we can solve. How can we solve the mistakes Cece's mom made that led to her family being torn apart? How can we solve the trauma and negligence Jonathan had to endure at the hands of his psycho of a father? How can we solve the family problems of Mason and Jason? And more than that, how can we keep our group together for this final year?

Yes, I've been aware of how bad things in the personal life of my peers are, but I was of the opinion that we would be together and we could face whatever. It didn't matter the heartache life threw our way; it led us to each other and we draw strength from the weird bond we've come to make. I honestly don't know how we're going to survive being separated.

"Cece, if you don't sit down now, I'm going to throw up!" I find the words leaving my mouth before I can stop them. She freezes in her tracks and turns a remorseful expression to me and I smile sadly as I let out a sigh. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm just –"

"Yeah. Me too!" She nods as she settles down on my bed beside me.

I turn to face her and I sigh again, not knowing what to say. I can only just look at her and the weariness in her usually bright green eyes. The top she wore to school has been tossed aside carelessly and she's in a beige lace bra on a flowery long skirt. Her makeup is smudged and her hair is messy from having being pulled on one too many times.

Not too long ago, it was just the two of us. She was my world! I had depended on her for sanity, thus limiting her from having a social life of her own. She never complained though. Like the perfect person that she is, she took it in stride and she was always there for me. Always! She doesn't deserve this! She's only just started figuring out her relationship with Jason. She shouldn't have to deal with him leaving.

Just like she shouldn't have had to deal with her mom's fuck up! It's just not fair! She doesn't deserve any of this mess.

"Would I be a selfish person if I asked him to stay, M?" She stares at me with those imploring eyes of hers, begging me for an answer I cannot give; begging for promises I don't have the power to make.

"I don't –"

"He doesn't have to go, you know? He's not being made to. He's volunteering."

"Cece, if it were me, you would – you would also offer to come with." I'm not even sure why I attempt to reason with her. I know she's not looking for logic right now. She's intelligent enough to understand why Jason is going, she's just upset.

She has every right to be. I'm upset also, but maybe a part of me is glad that Mason wouldn't have to be by himself. I guess in the end, we're all just a little bit selfish – maybe more than a little bit.