Solitude

Thirty-Nine

Transitioning can be a very difficult thing to do.

Just a little while back, sitting by myself wouldn't be considered a problem. It happened more often than not for the duration of my being mute.

Why is it that I now find the silence suffocating?

Eyes are on me as I sit down at the table alone for lunch. I try to tell myself there is nothing wrong and this doesn't affect me, but I can swear that from the corner of my eyes, I find someone pointing their phone camera in my direction.

Fuck me!

Fries in one hand, my phone in the other, I check my inbox, but neither one of my partners have been gracious enough to leave me a text although my two dozen messages have been read by both.

I let out a silent groan as I contemplate checking what Mason is up to via Instagram or Tiktok, but the unmistakable sound of a camera is heard and I imagine what my tags would look like.

By now, I'm sure the boys' followings are talking about how they have finally ditched me and probably something along the lines of me being a gold digger. I've seen a lot of the negative comments, but Cece says to ignore it all; the good and the bad.

'Answer three comments, like 2, ignore the rest' is her advice. Sometimes, she deals with it, as my self-appointed manager.

Who am I to complain?

Speaking of Cece! I look around the cafeteria. She's nowhere to be found. Neither is Jason. She decided she was going to talk to him in private and explain to him why his stalking habits are very inappropriate and what life as a woman feels like.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but hopefully, they'll be dating by the time they return.

Bubblegum catches my stare and immediately looks away. She's surrounded by people I don't know. I think about walking over to her table and demanding answers, but I decide against it. That may just be taken wrongly by the audience. I opt for sending her a text instead.

SPILL! What do you know?????

I watch her pick up her phone, then look up at me, shake her head and type something. When my phone vibrates in my hand, I look down at it.

You ate with that look! And your eyeliner is the shit! - Bubblegum ❤

Fuck, fuckity fuck!

I'm in the middle of typing something when I feel someone sit beside me. In confusion, I look up and -

Fuck my life!

"You have three seconds before I dump my milkshake all over you!" It's not a threat. I am making a promise. I shove my fries into my mouth so my hand is free to grab my cup of milkshake.

A grimace covers his stupid face, but he fixes it and offers a stupid smile. He's stopped trying to look like my partners, which is a relief.

He has opted for a green polo under a varsity jacket. He looks stupid in his new haircut.

Okay, he doesn't. He looks decent. He got blond curls and it actually fits his stupid face but I still want to greet it with my fist, so there's that.

"I think I've been going around this the wrong way. I've been a little tone deaf, I've been told." He sounds civil, but the sound of his voice makes me feel like my insides have been thrown into a blender.