Giving up || Katie Reid

Am i not good enough?

Today was the first day back at the Tillies camp. I'm honestly quite nervous. I've played for the Matilda's before but what if I'm not good enough now? I mean I rarely get game time at Arsenal. Why would I get game time for my national team? I don't even know at this point.

I walk into the camp nervous asf. Thoughts are running around through my mind continuously. They won't stop.

We all end up arriving and walk to the meeting room together.

After the meeting we find out who we are rooming with. Turns out im with Wheeler again. She's not bad. But she's not the best. I mean last time we were on camp she was really mean to me.

I walk up to my room to see it empty. I take the bed furthest to the window as I knew she liked the window view.

I start unpacking and not long after Clare walks through the doors. She immediately gives me a weird look and walks to her bed. I continue unpacking not saying a single word.

I end up finishing my unpacking so I walk to the chill room where the girls are playing FIFA.

Soon after playing we go to eat dinner. I'm walking behind the entire pack of girls. They're all talking to one another while in silent the entire time. We enter the dinner room and get our meals. I pick up a little salad and water.
"Is that all your eating?" Hayley asked while I was walking with her to the table.
"Yeah not very hungry." I say in reply.

We all finish our food and play more games. The sun slowly fell below the horizon so that was my sign to get ready for bed.

I walk into my room and get dressed. I realise Clare wasn't in the room.

I get into bed then I hear a click coming from the door. It must be Clare. I wanted to say 'hi' but what if she gave me a weird look? What if she said something? I didn't know.

I picked up my phone and started scrolling through TikTok. I see a video about me. I read the text and start to cry silently.

The TikTok:
"Why is Sophia Cross even in the Tillies squad? She isn't good enough and will make the team fall apart! She's way too big to play for the Tillies. If she wanted to receive game time she needs to loose a tiny bit of weight..."
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The paragraph kept on going. I dropped my phone and cried. Loads. I heard someone walking towards my bed. I froze in place.
"Hey Sophia. Are you ok?" Clare asked.
"Mhm." I said in reply. That's all I could get out of my mouth.
"Look. I'm sorry for being so mean to you. I didn't mean it! I just... have a hard time talking to people and... making friends..." Clare admitted.
"It's um... ok. I'm the same..." I say silently while sitting up. I look towards her and she's sitting on my bed.
"Why were you crying?"
"It's um... nothing. I'm just overreacting..."
"If it made you cry then your bit overreacting! Tell me." Clare kept on begging.
"Fine. I'll tell you. I saw an article about me... and it was really... sweet." I said knowing I was lying.
"Awwww! That's so cute. Ok I'm going to bed now. It's quite late. Night!" Clare says while walking to her bed. I say 'goodnight' the pick up my phone and continue scrolling.

I went on Instagram and saw multiple articles about me. I read a couple and it was heartbreaking. All of them stated how I shouldn't be part of the Tillies squad, how im not good enough and how I needed to loose some weight.

I ran to the bathroom and picked up my lighter. I had a selection of blades, pills and lighters all packed into a little bag.

I put the fire against my skin. The feeling was amazing! I kept on going all around my body until it all stung. I had several burn marks all over my arms, stomach and my thighs. It was stinging loads.

I put everything back and went into bed.

The next day

I woke up and felt my body stinging me. I quickly got dressed into some different clothes. I remembered to wear my skins so my arms would not show. I knew the burn marks on my legs wouldn't show and it was far up.

I scrolled on my phone a tiny bit more then saw some Instagram stories. I pressed on a few and they reposted all of the articles post. The text said 'real!' or 'she should quit already'. Thing comjng from those lines. It was devastating to see.

I walk down to breakfast and see Kyra with Charli about to walk down. They turn around and see me.
"Hey Soph! You alright? You seen a bit off." Kyra says while walking towards me.
"Yeah I'm fine. Just tired." I say while hugging them.

We walk down to breakfast together and I see Hayley at a table. I walk towards her and say 'hi'. We have a little talk until Kyra and Charli come to the table and sit down. Hayley gets some food and I stay seated.
"Why aren't you getting food?" Charli ask me worried.
"Not hungry." Is all I say in reply.
"Ok. Make sure you eat later though. I don't want you passing out during training." Charli says. I simply nod.

Hayley comes back and we all talk until it's time for training. I fill up the bottles after I've gotten changed into my training kit. I pick up some powerades that were lying on the bench. I walk to the pitches and find a bench to put all the stuff down.

Everyone came out and started warming up. We had to do some partner work so I chose Courtney Nevin. We finished our warm up and got a drink break. It was a 34°C day and I was burning. Luckily we all had some sunscreen on so we wouldn't burn.

We finished training and got our drinks. I picked up my bottle along with a blue Powerade with no sugar. Everyone else got there bottles and powerades and walked into the gym.

After we had finished we went into the dinner room to get some lunch. Again I chose to not get food as I was 'not hungry'. Charli scolded me a tiny bit before getting her food. She came back with 2 plates and put 1 of them in front of me.
"Eat up." Is all she said. I ate 1/10 of the plate. I went to the bathroom and threw it up. I was sobbing to myself until I finished and went back into the room. I made sure it looked like I wasn't just crying my eyes out.

I returned to my room and slept after we finished eating. I was exhausted.
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What a way for me to come back! Tell me if I should make a 'oneshots' book!

Anywho, word count time.
Words today - 1200 words!