Lean on Me || Jill Roord

40. Her Return

All the work I had done, all the effort I had put in tireless days and nights working by myself, battling with myself. It all came down to this very moment. The moment I would be making my return to the game I loved, at one of the biggest stages. I fiddled with the waistband of my shorts, adjusting them over and over again as I walked towards the centre line.

I stood with the fourth official as Kyra jogged over to where I stood, my mind racing with every single scenario known to man. I was here out of pure luck; I knew that, but I was going to make the most out of it.

"Caroline! Caroline?" Ellie jogged into the locker room. "You alright, mate? All the subs are heading to the bench now; it's time to go."

"What? Yeah, yeah, I'm alright, sorry." I stood up and began to walk out of the locker room, but Ellie stopped me momentarily.

"Hey, you're here for a reason. You're ready. We all believe in you. You've got to believe in yourself." All I could do was nod as we walked out, and I continued walking out and towards the bench while Ellie went back into the starting eleven line.

I was practically paralysed with fear; my thoughts gnawed at the little true confidence I had built up for today. I couldn't stop the negative thoughts from tearing me down, the same way they had torn me down my entire recovery. I closed my eyes, leaning my head back against the cool metal of the seat I was in, forcing myself to not let in those thoughts, pushing them as far down as I could.

Why was I putting myself through this yet again? I had built myself back up from rock bottom in December during my recovery, yet here I was tearing myself down with thoughts of self doubt. Slowly it tore holes and began seeping its way into the false confidence I had created for myself, allowing me to get where I was right now. It was a vicious cycle that I had endured this entire recovery process, and I had created this sense of false confidence to prove to myself and others that I was ready and that I'd be fit to return. Yet here I was trying to tear it all down at the last possible second when I thought that false confidence had turned into real confidence. I mean, fake it until you make it, right?

I wouldn't let myself do that though; I had people around me—people who believed in me, people who were here for me.

When Tony called my name, telling me to warm up, I searched for her eyes immediately. I couldn't do this alone; I needed her just as she needs me. As I walked to the warm-up area for subs, my eyes found Jill in the crowd. She was already looking at me.

A knowing smile took over her features, and she pointed to the crest that was on the jersey she was wearing. The same crest I was wearing. I took in a shaky breath before closing my eyes.

Turning to the trainer who was waiting for me, with a newfound confidence—real confidence—I began to warm up to make my comeback at the Olympic stage. Let's fucking go.

"You've got this, mate." Kyra grabbed my hands that I was holding out and pulled me into a massive hug. "Win us the fucking game." She added before breaking away.

The roar of the crowd as I stepped on the pitch made every worry, every doubt, and every terrible scenario in my mind melt away as I got ready to play the game I loved so dearly.

Watching the game against Zambia from the beach had been absolute nightmare fuel, and now that I was playing in it, I wanted to turn this damn thing around. And that's what we did.

Not even a minute after I was subbed on the cross came in, Mary took control of it right inside the penalty box, passing it to Michelle Heyman, who was somehow wide open. My jaw practically dropped as she tried to back heel it into the goal, and fortunately the Zambian defender sent it into the goal on accident instead of clearing. Our deficit had shrunk ever so slightly, but we needed to take what we could get and run with it.