Lean on Me || Jill Roord

21. Irrational Actions

I sat upside down on the couch with my feet dangling over the back cushions and fiddling with the rings on my fingers as my hands lay across my stomach. The tension that filled my apartment was deathly. I knew Jill was upset with me, but at the same time she had no right to be upset. I wasn't obligated to tell her every single detail of my physical therapy appointments and how I was feeling twenty-four seven.

Every few minutes I could hear spatulas clanking with pots as Jill made pasta for us; sure, we weren't on the best of terms, but she was still making dinner for me. I was grateful for that because otherwise I probably wouldn't have eaten. I sighed. The truth was, this little fight between Jill happened more often than I liked to admit. Getting to the point where I'd just stop talking all together and distance myself.

December, of course, made everything harder, and I just wanted it all to end. Not like that. But I wish I wasn't injured. I wish my life was normal.

"Dinner's ready," Jill's voice cut through the silence, and I turned myself around, getting up off the couch, nearly falling in the process, causing Jill to stifle a laugh. I rolled my eyes in return and sat down at the table.

As we ate, the tense silence filled the room once more, and I hated every part of it. Rehab training had been extra hard lately, as Daphne was using this month to prepare to start jogging again by the new year. I just wanted to go home; I needed a break. I needed my family.

"Why can't you just talk to me?" Jill quietly broke the silence.

"What?" I looked up, not really hearing her due to my thoughts.

"Why can't you just talk to me?" She repeated.

"I do," I began with furrowed eyebrows, but she cut me off. "No, you don't. You don't tell me how you're feeling until I ask multiple times. You brush me off, saying you're fine when you're not. You don't communicate, Caroline. If you don't want to talk, fine, but you've got to tell me that."

"I'm just tired." I closed my eyes; she was right, but I didn't want to talk about that right now.

"Then tell me that! Why do you keep letting it get to this point? Us arguing?" Jill's voice began to raise, and I let out a sigh. I didn't want to argue; I never did because I didn't have the strength to.

"I'm sorry."

"Caroline, I-" Jill put her hands on her face, letting out a frustrated breath. "I want this to work. I really do, but you've got to communicate. Please."

There was a pit forming in my stomach; it was small, barely noticeable. But I noticed it immediately; I was the problem. I knew that; I am always the problem. Me. Always me. It was like something inside of my brain clicked. Maybe I should just be alone for the rest of my life. Stops everyone from getting hurt by me.

"Okay." I said quietly before continuing to eat my food. My mind was made up.

When I got up in the morning, I peeled myself out of Jill's comforting arms with a heavy heart. Placing a long kiss on her forehead before I changed and headed to physical therapy earlier than usual. The drive was quiet; I opted to drive in silence as my mind couldn't focus with the many thoughts passing through. The sun hadn't risen yet and probably wouldn't due to the clouds and the cold weather. Not that I minded really, but I wished it was sunny. Maybe that was another reason I should go home—warm weather.

"Caroline?" Daphne popped her head out of the physical therapy room as I was talking to the front desk lady. "You're quite early today. Everything alright?" I gave her a tight-lipped smile, saying goodbye to the front desk lady and heading into the door Daphne had open.