Summary - Siobhan goes to Viv's for a wine and film night.
As Viv watched the horror film they'd chosen, Siobhan watched her. Recently all Siobhan had wanted to do was spend time with Viv, she didn't care what they did as long as they were together. Over the past few months their friendship had grown, eventually becoming the most precious thing in Siobhan's life. She'd long since left Roger and helped takeover the nursery, so she was finally free. At least that's what everyone thought.
Siobhan's trauma was still so overwhelming and most days, she still felt trapped. Her own mind held her prisoner, reminding her of everything she wished she could forget. On a couple of occasions when she'd really been struggling, Siobhan had ended up in Viv's arms. She'd quickly realised that Viv's embrace was the only thing that silenced her racing thoughts, but most of the time she was far too embarrassed to ask Viv to hold her.
Lost within her own thoughts, it took Siobhan a few seconds to realise that Viv was now looking over at her and smiling. "What are you thinking about?" She asked so sweetly it made Siobhan's heart skip a beat. The blond smiled right back before taking a sip of her wine and replying "you know, this and that. Nothing really." Viv turned down the volume on the television and shifted closer to Siobhan, before grabbing her own wine glass. She placed her hand lightly on Siobhan's shoulder, then started gently playing with her hair. "You don't have to hide from me, please tell me what's on your mind. It's not good to keep things bottled up."
As Viv played with her hair, Siobhan couldn't help but lean into her touch. She moved even closer to Viv before saying "I don't even know where to start." Her heart was starting to pound and she could feel tears pooling behind her eyes. Taking a deep breath, she added quietly "when am I going to like myself again?" As soon as she saw the devastation on Viv's face, she regretted saying anything at all, she'd never meant to upset her.
As Viv spoke, it sounded like she desperately wanted to cry. "Siobhan, you are so special. I know it's so hard, but you have to remember that what you went through was not your fault. You will like yourself again, I'll help you." She sighed heavily before continuing "I wish you could see yourself through my eyes." Siobhan had known for while that she desired more than just friendship from Viv. For a moment, she genuinely thought that the nurse was going to kiss her and when she didn't she felt bitterly disappointed. As they gradually fell into a cuddle, Siobhan rested her head on Viv's chest, taking the opportunity to listen to the older woman's heartbeat.
For a while they sat and cuddled in silence until Viv suddenly said "I'm going to get the wine bottle, I think we need it." With that, she was up and heading towards the kitchen, leaving Siobhan to wish she were still being held. Once she'd returned, the two woman proceeded to chat and drink their wine, attempting to lighten the mood slightly. After her third glass of wine Siobhan realised just how tipsy she felt.
"Viv?" She said firmly. "Yes?" Viv's response sounded almost apprehensive. "What you said before, about me being special. That's not true, is it?" She watched as Viv tilted her head slightly and confusedly asked "what?" Siobhan continued "well, you say that, but nobody's going to want me are they?" She desperately wanted to add 'you clearly don't' to the end of that sentence, but she managed to refrain herself. "You can't possibly believe that?" Viv asked. When Siobhan didn't respond, she carried on "you're beautiful Siobhan. Everybody thinks so, trust me. Have I ever told you that the first time I saw you, you genuinely took my breath away for a second?" The blond looked over at Viv and shook her head - no she'd never told her that.
"What is it you need Siobhan? I don't want to hurt you, so I need you to tell me what you want. If you tell me, I'll do it." Siobhan looked into her eyes and knew instantly that she meant it. She so desperately wanted to finally kiss her but as she tried to speak nothing came out. Viv waited patiently, moving closer once again and placing her hand on Siobhan's cheek. "What is it baby?" Viv had never called her that before and as soon as she said it, Siobhan's breath caught in her throat. The blond exhaled before asking "why are you doing this to me?" Viv's eyes were slightly glassy as she whispered "because I need to know that I'm not hurting you. I need to hear you say it, I don't ever want to take anything from you against your will."
Nobody had ever given Siobhan so much power. Any man she'd been with had just taken from her at best and at worst they'd actively hurt her. For so many years, she'd secretly loved romantic films and she'd watched them over and over again, hoping that one day someone could love her. Siobhan realised all at once that Viv loved and respected her in ways that she'd never even realised were possible. As she stared into Viv's eyes, she finally felt free enough to ask for the only thing she wanted in this world.
"I want you to kiss me."
