The first time Viv brought Siobhan coffee, she'd drawn a smiley face on the lid. A tiny little gesture that had made Siobhan's day.
The last time Viv brought Siobhan coffee, she'd drawn a little sunflower. Unbeknownst to her, for the rest of her life every time Siobhan saw a sunflower, her heart was destined to die a little more.
I wonder what she'll draw next time?
There won't be a next time, you just don't know it yet.
The first time Viv smiled at Siobhan, nothing really changed. The blond remained stony faced as the nurse handed over Jamie's permission slip.
The last time Viv smiled at Siobhan, everything changed completely. She was still smiling as her gaze dropped down, immediately clocking the engagement ring. Her smile dropped.
She hates me now.
Very often in life, we remain blissfully unaware as we experience things for the last time. Today however, Siobhan was about to experience something she'd longed for, knowing full well that it was the first and last time.
When Siobhan had logged onto Marjorie's computer and emailed Viv, she knew she'd crossed a boundary. When she'd signed Marjorie's name instead of her own, shame had washed over her momentarily. She was so desperate to see Viv and she wasn't really thinking clearly.
As Siobhan waited for Viv to arrive the next morning, she wondered if her deception had worked at all. She suspected that Viv would have known the email was from her, which made the blond wonder if the nurse would even turn up. As she sat in silence, her eyes darting around the family room, Siobhan felt her heart pounding. When Viv walked into the room, for a moment time stood still as the two women stared at each other. Viv took a deep breath before saying "why did you put Marjorie's name at the end of that email?" Siobhan's eyes widened slightly as she simply replied "I wanted to see you and I didn't think you'd come if you knew that it was from me."
Viv sat down next to Siobhan and rolled her eyes "I could tell that it was from you straight away." She paused and for a moment, Siobhan thought that Viv was going to take her hand but she didn't. Instead she continued "we can't keep doing this. We've both been playing with fire this entire time and now you're engaged. You're not going to leave him, are you?" Siobhan opened her mouth to speak but as she realised that the only answer she could give was no, words failed her. She wanted to tell Viv the truth about Roger and his abuse but she was terrified of him. No matter what, he'd always have more power than both her and Viv combined and the last thing she wanted was to put Viv or Jamie in danger.
Her silence gave Viv her answer, causing the nurse to stand up abruptly. "I have to go." She watched as Siobhan buried her face in her hands and she turned to leave she heard her start to cry. Viv closed her eyes for a moment before forcing herself to walk over to the door but as she grabbed the handle, she felt frozen. "Please Siobhan" she begged "please don't cry, I'm sorry." She still hadn't turned back to look at the blond, so she placed her forehead against the cold glass to steady herself.
Siobhan couldn't help it. She knew that she was hurting Viv and she hated herself for it but her own heart was being torn apart too. Suddenly, Siobhan cried out "I never even knew how it felt to be held by you." As soon as Siobhan had said those words, Viv felt like she wanted to die. "I can't hold you Siobhan" she whispered, tears now threatening to fall from her own eyes. As she listened to Siobhan's sobs she realised that she couldn't walk away right now. She finally turned and rushed over to the blond, who stood up just as Viv reached her.
The first time Viv held Siobhan, they both knew that it would be the last time. It would be the last time Siobhan would ever feel safe. It would be the last time Viv would feel Siobhan's heart beat against her own chest.
When Viv finally let go of Siobhan, she had to force herself to walk away. Once she was back in her car, she burst into tears and said to nobody "we could have made it together. I would have held you forever if you'd asked me to BonBon."
***
The first time Roger had hurt Siobhan, he'd apologised and told her that he'd never do it again. She'd forgiven him and tried to convince herself that he loved her, deep down. Siobhan hadn't met Viv yet, so she'd had nothing to compare him to.
The last time Roger had hurt Siobhan, all she could think of was Viv. It had been many years since she'd seen her and as the light left Siobhan's eyes, she hoped that Viv was happy, warm and safe. She imagined her loving embrace and her beautiful eyes and suddenly, things didn't seem so bad.
He'd taken everything from her and now he'd taken her life. Siobhan's heart had always been broken. The world had failed her, the same way it fails so many women, time and time again.
All you wanted was connection, tenderness and grace
Instead, you found the shadows and a cold, empty place
A heart that was so loving, something very few could see
In the end, bound by chains of what could never be
Siobhan, perhaps you wonder, why your story we always tell
You represent the real hearts, struggling and trapped in hell
So may you and all those like you, find peace in heaven above
Where finally pain can't reach you, and you can feel our love
"I can't hold you Siobhan."
