Siobhan was sulking.
Viv had told her that she was planning to go hiking tomorrow. Siobhan hated hiking and Viv knew that, so she hadn't even asked if the blond would like to go. Siobhan didn't particularly want to go hiking but she did want to be with Viv. She knew that she was being needy and clingy but she couldn't help it, sometimes her anxiety got the better of her.
As Viv made dinner, she looked over at Siobhan who was sat on the sofa in the adjoining lounge. She was watching television and pouting, sporadically looking down at Jamie who was playing with his fire truck on the floor. Viv knew that Siobhan was upset about something but she couldn't quite think what it was. It was very clear that sometimes, Siobhan struggled to express her feelings properly but Viv always knew instinctively when something was wrong. Once everything was cooking away, Viv sat down next to the blond and quietly asked "what's wrong baby? I know somethings bothering you, please tell me." When Siobhan looked over at her, it hurt Vivs heart a little bit, she hated it when her girlfriend was sad, she wanted to see her smiling. Several seconds of silence followed before Siobhan snapped "nothing" as she looked back over at the television. Viv knew that Siobhan was just being defensive, she was obviously worried that she'd face judgement or ridicule for what she wanted to say, so she was deflecting. "Whatever it is, you know I don't mind, you can tell me anything. Please?" Siobhan sighed in response before grabbing a cushion and holding it over her stomach, which was something she did when she felt vulnerable. Viv knew that now she was going to tell her.
"I don't want to be on my own all afternoon tomorrow. I know you want to go hiking." Siobhan glanced over at Viv before asking "can't I come with you?" She sounded so worried, so Viv gently caught the blonds hand in hers. "I don't have to go hiking tomorrow if you'd rather I stay with you, I didn't realise you felt like that baby." Siobhan shook her head "but I know you want to go hiking. I don't want to stop you from doing the things you enjoy, that's not the kind of partner I want to be." Siobhan fell silent for a moment, clearly thinking back to the way Roger had controlled every aspect of her life. She continued "I just want to spend time with you, hiking isn't my favourite thing but I'd do it for you." She was looking down at the ground, but when she felt Viv move closer, she finally looked into her girlfriend's eyes. "Of course you can come with me, I'd love that." Viv started to play with a strand of Siobhan's hair lightly as she added "we can have a nice day together and take it at your pace, ok?" Siobhan nodded as she tried to push the negative thoughts from her mind, telling her that she was pathetic and too needy. Viv didn't mind and that was the only thing that mattered.
The next morning, once Viv and Siobhan had dropped Jamie off at nursery, Viv drove them to the starting point for the hike. She'd honestly assumed that Siobhan might have wanted some time alone, they'd been together constantly for weeks. The fact that the blond wanted to spend time with her no matter what secretly made Viv feel proud, it was clear that Siobhan felt safe with her. They started off slow, it wasn't that Siobhan was unfit, she was just far more used to using a treadmill or a cross-trainer. As she struggled with a steep incline, Viv slowed down for her and put a reassuring hand on her waist.
They'd been walking for over an hour when Siobhan asked "can we sit down for a bit?" She still struggled with backache after the things she'd been through and it was starting to hurt. Viv grabbed her hand immediately and led her over to a large rock before helping her sit. As soon as Viv had sat down, she wrapped her arms around the blond and held her close. Siobhan sighed and said "I hate how much this stuff still affects me. I can't even go walking without being in pain." She paused before quietly adding "it's never going to really leave me, is it?" Viv looked down and into Siobhan's eyes "we're all made up of everything we've experienced. You're so strong, I don't think you realise how far you've come. One day, the memories that feel so fresh right now will become more distant." Siobhan shook her head slightly and replied "that seems so impossible. A life where my mind isn't full of his voice and how he hurt me seems so far away." Viv pointed over to the top of the hill they were attempting to climb and said "lots of things seem far away, but they're closer than you think."
Siobhan's legs were shorter than Vivs, so no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't walk as fast. Viv refused to walk on ahead, opting instead to hold Siobhan's hand and wait for her whenever she needed to stop. Sometimes, Siobhan still had to remind herself that Viv would never berate or belittle her if she made a mistake, or couldn't keep up. Viv never got angry with Siobhan, she just wanted to look after her, especially after the abuse she'd suffered. To distract the blond, Viv started to tell her all about the funniest injuries she'd dealt with while working as a nurse. The way she described the ridiculous situations made Siobhan laugh and it stopped her worrying about her pace.
Eventually, Viv turned to Siobhan and smiled encouragingly before saying "look, we're here." Siobhan allowed Viv to lead her around a large rock and immediately she realised, they were finally at the top. She felt Vivs hand on her back, guiding her towards the bench that was positioned perfectly to take in the view. As she felt the breeze and looked down at the hundreds of houses below them, Siobhan thought of all the lives that existed within them. The happy lives, the sad lives, the lives that had been torn apart by bad news, unstoppable forces or evil people. When her life was controlled by Roger, Siobhan's world had become so unbearably small and painful. Rogers words still haunted her thoughts, every time he told her that he owned her or that she'd never be free of his grasp.
When Siobhan grabbed Vivs hand suddenly, the older woman felt slightly startled. She looked down into the blonds eyes and asked "what's wrong?" Siobhan just looked at her for several moments before whispering "I almost married that man. I can't believe how different my life is now. I can't believe I almost destroyed my own life because I was afraid." Viv wasn't really sure what to say, she hated the fact that Siobhan blamed herself for the way she'd been treated. So, she placed her hand on Siobhan's cheek and simply said "I'm so proud of you." Siobhan frowned and replied "I only walked up a hill." Viv shook her head and said "I am proud of you for today, but it's so much more than that. I'm proud of how far you've come, I'm proud of how brave you are. I see you everyday, you get up and you fight to be better, happier, even though you're struggling." Siobhan wanted to push back and tell Viv that she wasn't brave at all, but truthfully, she couldn't. She could feel Vivs words settling within her heart and for the first time in a long time, she felt proud of herself. Maybe Viv was right.
Once they were ready to leave, Siobhan took one last look behind her, looking specifically at the path she'd already walked. It was much longer and steeper than she'd realised and it was full of jagged rocks and pitfalls but she'd made it this far nonetheless. Now as they continued, the walk would be easier as they made their way downwards and back to civilisation. Viv had promised to run her a bath when they got home, she knew that Siobhan's back was sore and she wanted to ease her pain.
Siobhan knew that she was safe, loved and cherished. Sometimes, she felt stuck and as if nothing had changed when her fears came back to haunt her. That's all they were now, fears that lived within her mind. She'd lived through something that at one point, she genuinely thought would kill her and now, she was starting to heal. Healing sometimes felt just as painful as the things that had made it so necessary, but it was always worth it in the end. When Viv and Siobhan got home, Viv did exactly as she'd promised, before kissing the blond on her forehead. She helped her get into the bath without hurting her back any further, before giving her a little privacy and space. Afterwards, Siobhan made her way downstairs and found a coffee and a warm, loving embrace waiting for her.
Siobhan was happy and finally, she was starting to believe that she deserved to be.
"It's said that it takes seven years to grow completely new skin cells.
To think, one day I will grow into a body that you've never touched."
- Brett E. Jenkins (INSPIRED)
