Siobhan knew she was sick.
Ever since she was a teenager she'd carried her burden deep down within her heart. Her mother had always told her that it was important to fit in and be normal - that was the best way to get by in life. Siobhan's father was a distant man who seemed stuck in his ways, unable to understand anything or anyone different. While she did have some friends at school, something always stopped Siobhan from truly letting anyone know her. If they didn't really know her, whatever they thought about her didn't really matter.
As long as she kept it locked inside.
It hadn't always been clear to Siobhan what her sickness was, she simply felt different. The idea that it was inevitable that one day, she'd meet a man, marry him and perhaps bear his children didn't fill her with excitement, all she felt was dread. That dream just didn't seem right but it was what everyone did and it was what everybody expected. Siobhan was very aware that she was pretty, she could tell by the number of boys that asked her out. Her mother would smile as she brushed Siobhan's long blond hair and say "the man you choose to marry will be very lucky indeed."
Lucky.
Everyone else seemed lucky. As far as Siobhan could tell, they didn't seem lost. They knew who they were and who they wanted to be with. They'd get excited when their boyfriend bought them a gift or finally said I love you. Sometimes Siobhan found herself drawn to the boys who complimented her, but she wasn't ready for dating just yet. She didn't want to open herself up to anyone, emotionally or physically so she chose to be alone. Why was there only one option? Why did that option seem so limiting?
Only one life she could lead.
Sometimes, Siobhan wished she could look like the most popular girl in school, or the actresses she was always so drawn to on television. At least that's what she told herself, as she dreamed of their sparkling eyes and the soft curves of their body. When she allowed herself to daydream, she'd wonder what it would be like to find that one special person. Sometimes she'd imagine holding hands with a boy but more often than not, she'd imagine it was a girl. Eventually, she forced herself to stop daydreaming so she didn't have to wonder what that truly meant.
She stopped dreaming.
Once she was in college, she finally gave in and agreed to date a boy from her literature class. He was nice, that was all, but eventually he expected more from her. Siobhan allowed it to happen and tried her best to enjoy it, but in the end she just didn't quite get it. That relationship didn't last and as the years passed, none of the others did either. Siobhan spent a lot of her time single, occasionally taking men home from bars after she'd drank too much wine.
Maybe this time, she'd suddenly get it.
Whenever Siobhan found out someone was gay, be it an acquaintance or a colleague, she'd immediately feel disgusted. They weren't blending in and being normal, they weren't following the rules. Sometimes, Siobhan would feel hot, fiery rage within her heart as she wondered where these people got the audacity. So, she'd single them out, belittle them and make sure they knew that she didn't accept them, why should she? The thing was, lashing out never made her feel better. Every time she did so, she'd buy herself a bottle of wine on the way home from work and proceed to drink it alone. She'd eventually cry as she imagined the person she'd belittled safe at home with their partner, choosing to live their life authentically.
She wasn't even a thought in their mind.
Eventually, Siobhan's thoughts would turn to the women in her life, the people she constantly pushed away. She'd think of Marjorie and how beautiful her smile was, then she'd wonder how it would feel to receive a hug from her, just once. She'd think of Charlotte, tears falling freely as she replayed all the times she'd snapped at her or been cruel to her. Actually, Siobhan thought Charlotte was sweet, so full of light and hope, so effortlessly beautiful. The blonde would imagine lying beside a woman she felt safe with, allowing herself to be held.
Nobody had ever held Siobhan.
When everything started to fall apart, Siobhan had nobody to turn to - she didn't have any friends. The owner of the nursery, Roger, was the only person who had offered her any assistance when she'd had to leave her rented home. He was twice her age but he was nice to her, she thought he genuinely was the generous man he made himself out to be. She began to think that being with him wouldn't be so bad, he was clearly attracted to her and at least he could look after her. When he made a move on her, it felt like every other time a man had touched her - intrusive. She allowed him to have access to her body, no she didn't love him but at this point in her life, Siobhan was convinced that love was a complete lie.
That wasn't the real lie.
Roger didn't believe in love either. Gradually, his mask fell and Siobhan saw the monster that had been hidden behind it. She'd never been a happy woman, hiding behind her own mask of smug, self righteousness. Now, she wondered if she was finally getting her comeuppance as the colour began to completely drain from her life. She no longer had the energy to be cruel to those she perceived as flouting the rules, at least they seemed happier than she was. Night after night, she'd lie next to a monster and wish he could turn into a princess, one whose arms Siobhan could fall into.
But fairytales don't exist.
When she told a gay man at the nursery that children should have a mother and a father, she didn't even mean it. She'd seen time and time again that sexuality didn't dictate how effective someone's parenting was. His brazen attitude had simply infuriated her, why wasn't he at least trying to hide his sexuality - not everyone needed to know. Siobhan knew that particular belief was stupid, but she was desperately trying to distract herself from what she really wanted to do. She wanted to scream at this poor man and ask him why he got to be so free, why didn't he hate himself?
How was he doing that?
The day Siobhan met her, everything had finally turned completely grey, she was giving up. Something compelled the blonde to waive this woman's late fee, she'd never done that before. Perhaps she was trying to tell the world that she hadn't meant to be so bitter, and she was sorry for the way she'd lived her life. Siobhan had never believed in fate, but she considered changing her mind when once again, she crossed paths with her. She told Siobhan her name.
Vivian.
Every wall Siobhan had ever built came crashing down, every time she was close to Vivian. She wanted this woman to know her, hold her hand, hug her. The only time she could bear the pain, was when she was with Vivian. When she looked into her eyes, she was sure she'd known her before. Perhaps in another lifetime.
She's come to find me.
The words would never come out, blocked by the barriers within Siobhan's mind. If she could have begged Vivian to stay, she would have. If she could have told her she loved her, she would have. She believed she could do it, she just needed time, but suddenly she had none left. Roger had claimed her with a silver emerald ring and she was destined to die, forever the wife of a monster. Siobhan had let Viv walk away as they both fought back tears, willing herself to say something.
But nothing came out.
It didn't make sense, being with Roger felt like a sickness and now, their union was going to murder her spirit completely. Being with Vivian felt like being weightless, happy in the sunshine and never, ever sick. Siobhan had realised all too late, she could have dealt with anything, as long as she had Vivian. She didn't have her though and she never, ever would. Siobhan checked her makeup one last time as she prepared for her wedding, whilst one simple thought flashed through her mind.
I hope that she's happy.
As Vivian stood behind Siobhan, she called her bonbon, hoping it would make her smile. As the blonde turned to face her, Vivian saw everything Siobhan had desperately wanted to say, all behind her baby blue eyes. So she held out her hand and as Siobhan took it, Vivian promised to love her, to protect her and to heal her. For the first time in her life, Siobhan finally accepted that she'd never been sick.
But she did need a nurse.
