The List

19. Secret

19. Secret

"Luke was my brother."

Luke. Brother. Was.

This meant that Connor had a brother called Luke, who hadpassed away. God I was so stupid; why didn't I realise this before. No wonderit was a sensitive topic.

"He was my twin brother; older than me by one minute," hecontinues.

"Connor, stop. Please don't feel like you have to tell mebecause I asked. I, just..."

"Em; I trust you, like you trusted me," is all he saysbefore he continues. Why did he have tobe so god damn cute.

"A few years ago, when we were about 14, Luke was diagnosedwith cancer; leukaemia. He fought. He fought for-," Connor whispered his voicecracking.

Luke was like me; one day I was just going to leave,affecting everyone involved in my life. I can't get close to anyone, knowingthat in a few months, a year; I wasn't even going to be here.

I felt very dizzy; I was glad I was sitting down; because mylegs were like jelly. I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself down.

"He fought for 2 years, before it became too much. Iremember how weak he looked that week he looked before he died," Connor startscrying and sit next to him and hug him close, his head resting on my shoulder,closing my eyes to try and stop the throbbing pain in my head. I begin to tearup too; knowing how hard it is too lose someone you love. But not only that. Itscares me to know that the most special people in my life will be feeling likethis when I die.

After a while he moves his head away from my shoulder,wiping his eyes. Instead, he takes my hand in his. "He died in his sleep on 25thNovember," he takes a breath before continuing, "He was the complete oppositeof me; he loved sports and was an A* student without revision whereas I'm themore creative one; into music and arts and have to study hard to succeed."

"Where you close?" I ask him.

"So close. As cliché as it sounds; we were like bestfriends. We did everything together; we always had each other's backs.Obviously we argued, all siblings do but it wasn't as often as most. He was mytwin, it hurts so much more, why him? God, I just miss him so damn much," hestarts crying again. I hold him in my arms again.

"Shh, it's alright Con," I whisper, rubbing his back, tryingto get him to stop crying.

"No one talks about him; it's like they have forgotten abouthim completely. It angers me so much," he croaks.

"It takes time; Harry and I still can't talk about Mum and Dadwithout crying because it hurts too much. Both of us want to but the memory isstill so raw. It will definitely take time," I tell him.

He nods.

We sit in comfortable silence for 10 minutes; calming down.

"Thank you Beautiful," Connor whispers.

"For what?" I ask confused.

"For being here for me; for being a friend."

I smile at him.

"Right," he says, getting up, leaving a cold space where hiswarm body was once vacant. "I think we should watch another film and eat icecream. What do you think?"

"Definitely what we both need," I reply.

"Is cookie dough good?" he asks from the kitchen, where thefreezer is located.

"Yup," I say, still sitting on the sofa.

He comes back placing the cookie dough and spoons on theglass coffee table, before asking me to pick a film.

"Hm, I'm feeling Mean Girls. The original one, with LindsayLohan," I smirk at him.

"Do you know how many times I've watched this," he starts,"Whenever Lauren is upset or anything; this is what she makes me watch withher. I could literally recite it word for word," but getting up to put the filmin the DVD player anyway.

I laugh, "You asked," I retort.

"That's so fetch. Stop trying to make fetch happen."

"Boo, you whore."

"You go, Glen Coco."

"That's why her hair's so big; it's full of secrets."

From watching Mean Girls with Connor, I've learnt that hewasn't lying when he said he knew the film word for word. He recited or mouthedthe words as each character said them; even putting me to shame.

Once the film was over, we decided we should probably tidyup and go to sleep considering it was fairly late and apparently Aimee likes towake up early in the mornings. Unlike some.

As we tidied stuff away, Connor began to sing Beyoncé, Best Thing I Never Had, underhis breath.

"I wanted you bad; I'mso through with that. Cause honestly you turned out to be the..."

"Best thing I neverhad," I sing, as he looks up in surprise.

We continue singing whilst tidying up the sitting room andkitchen, changing the songs frequently.

"To the left, to theleft," Connor sings, prancing around the house.

"-you got me twisted,"

"You'reirreplaceable."

It was almost 2am, by the time we'd finished tidying up andrandomly singing songs and dancing around the house. We had sung a lot ofBeyoncé, she would be proud of us. I'm sure the neighbours had a nice throughthe wall concert. Lauren had also come home and sat with us for a while; beforesaying she was going to bed.

I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and tame my hair.Then I went back downstairs to see Connor on his phone, lying on one of the 3sofas.

I walked over to the one I was sitting on earlier and laydown; opening up the blankets that I had folded and put on the floor.

Con looked up from his phone, with a very confusedexpression on his face.

"Em, what are you doing," he questions.

"Going to sleep. What do you think?" I laugh.

"I know that; but youare not sleeping on the sofa, you can take my bed."

"But where will you sleep?" I ask.

"Stop worrying about others."

Connor walks upstairs to his room and I reluctantly follow.He pulls the duvet away from the bed; so I can get in; putting it back on topof me once I'm in. He goes to the small couch in his room.

"I feel so bad," I complain.

"It's fine. It's quite cosy over here anyway."

I knew he was lying but went along with it anyway. He wassleeping on the smallest sofa bed thing ever.

"Do you mind turning the lamp off," he asks.

"Sure," I flick the switch to the right of Connor's bed.

"Goodnight Connor."

"Goodnight Beautiful."

I fall asleep, a while after I close my eyes; taking inConnor's warming scent lingering on his pillow.