Heal my heart

c h a p t e r 42

Happy reading!

RUDRAKSH'S POV

These past two days have been exhausting. Since Shivani confessed things have been awkward between us. I hate it. Every interaction feels heavy with unspoken words and unaddressed emotions. I catch her stealing glances at me, searching for a sign that I've changed my mind, that I've suddenly figured out how to reciprocate what she feels. But I haven't. Not yet.

I try to act normal, to carry on as if everything is fine, but I can feel the distance growing between us. She has been running away from me, finding excuses to be away from me. That's the last thing I want. I want her to come to me, I want to be her solution not her problem. I hate seeing the hurt in her eyes, the way she tries to hide her disappointment behind a forced smile. It's like a knife twisting in my gut every time I realize I'm the cause of her pain. I know I have feelings for her, it's just everytime I think of telling her, it reminds me of my past and my suspicion grows. I trust Shivani with all my heart, yet I'm haunted by fears of betrayal, of being hurt like I've been before. But she fights her own battles every day, for me. I owe it to her to confront my fears, to fight my own monsters, and to be the husband she deserves.I can't imagine losing her. She's intertwined herself so deeply into my life that the thought of losing her terrifies me more than anything else. My fears pale in comparison to the overwhelming need I have to be with her, to hold her close, and to build a future together. I walk into our bedroom, with determination, with courage to talk to her, to share my struggles with her. She will not judge me, she will understand me, I am sure of it. She's the kindest soul I know. As I open the door to our bedroom, I find her on bed reading a book, her eyes snap towards me and shut shuts her book. We look at each other for a while, I don't move or break the eye contact, but then she keeps her book on the side table, "Good night Rudra." She fakes a yawn giving me a tight lipped smile and lying on the bed.

"I need to talk to you." I say.

"There's no need to talk. I still love you and it's okay if you don't." She says, her eyes shining with unshed tear, "My parents couldn't love me Rudra, I can't expect anyone else to." She whispers. I feel a pang in my chest as Shivani's words hit me like a wave. The vulnerability in her eyes cuts through me, reminding me of the pain she carries from her past. I want to take her in my arms, to comfort her, but I know words alone won't be enough.

"Shivani," I say softly, moving closer to the bed. "It's not that I don't love you. I care about you deeply, more than anyone else. But I'm scared."

Her gaze meets mine, searching for understanding. "Scared?" she asks quietly, her voice fragile.

I nod, sitting down beside her on the edge of the bed. I take a hold of her hand, squeezing it. I don't look at her, "I was nineteen when I first fell in love." She inhales sharply. I press on her hand, "I met her in college. I was a fool. I trusted her blindly." I sigh. She rubs my back with other hand I finally look at her giving her a weak smile, "I don't want to go in details." My voice thick with emotions, "All I can say is she betrayed me." I shake my head, "scammed me, would be the right word." I chuckle humorlessly. "Scammed you?" She whispers.

"I didn't know about it. You can say I was naive." I laugh, "She saved my sperm, from the condoms I discarded." I hear her gasp, I look at her, a look of disgust on her face. "She blackmailed me. For money. She told me she will impregnate herself." I sigh closing my eyes, it's shameful, no one knows about this except my parents, "I did everything she told me to." The memory is embarrassing, I felt like a loser. I was so easily manipulated. "Eventually I told my parents and papa paid her off, but the damage was already done. I couldn't trust anyone after that." Shivani's eyes are wide with shock and empathy. She squeezes my hand, offering silent support. "Rudra, I had no idea," she whispers, her voice filled with concern.

I nod, trying to muster a reassuring smile but failing. "I've never told anyone about this, not even my closest friends. Only my parents know. It's not something I'm proud of, and it took me a long time to even begin to move past it."

She moves closer, her touch gentle as she rests her head on my shoulder. "You don't have to be afraid with me, Rudra. I'm not her. I would never do anything to hurt you."

I take a deep breath, her words soothing some of the raw edges of my past. "I know you're not her, Shivani. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. But sometimes, the fear of being betrayed again is overwhelming."

She lifts her head, her eyes locking onto mine with determination. "I'm not going anywhere." She hugs me tightly, A lump forms in my throat as her words sink in. I've never felt this kind of support before. "Thank you," I whisper, my voice breaking. "Thank you for understanding."

She kisses my cheek softly, her lips warm and comforting, "I love you Rudra. I will wait for you." She smiles softly. I pull her into a hug, holding her tightly, as if letting go would mean losing her. Her presence is a balm to my soul, and for the first time in a long while, I feel a glimmer of hope.

She smiles against my shoulder, her breath warm against my skin. "We'll take it one day at a time. Together."

"Together," I echo, feeling a sense of peace wash over me.

"Now, you promise me you'll never fake anything in front of me, whether it's a smile," I suck on her pulse point making her moan, "or your orgasms." She pushes me away, her face bears the amused expression, "did anyone ever tell you what a dirty mouth you have?" A blush rise up her neck, "Oh darling, haven't you admitted to yourself yet how much you love it when i talk dirty to you."

"I am sure you'll be wet right now, you want me to check." I question "Fine, You have made your point," she admits, her cheeks flushed with color.

I grin, feeling a playful spark ignite between us. "I know I did," I say, leaning in to kiss her again. This time, the kiss is softer, more tender. I want to savor every moment with her, to make her feel cherished and loved.

Her fingers thread through my hair, pulling me closer. "Rudra," she murmurs against my lips, "I want us to be open with each other, no secrets."

I pull back slightly, looking into her eyes. "I promise, Shivani. No more secrets. Just us, being real with each other."

I trail kisses down her neck, savoring the taste of her skin. "You drive me crazy, you know that?" I murmur, my hands roaming her body, appreciating every curve, every mark that makes her uniquely her.

Her breath hitches, and she arches into my touch. "And you, Rudra, you make me feel alive," she confesses, her voice breathless.

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Author's note:
I am sad that no one comments these days, I would really love to hear your views 😭✨
Love:)