OUR LITTLE SECRET

Part 42

The following morning, at around 8 o'clock, when Cillian was still fast asleep and somewhat hung over, he heard the doorbell ring. With a pounding headache and heavy eyelids, he dragged himself out of bed and made his way down the stairs.

As he opened the door, he was surprised to find you, standing at the doorstep with the pram and two coffees.

"Hey," Cillian said , rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Hey yourself," you replied, a small smile playing on your lips as you handed him one of the coffees. "I thought you could use a little pick-me-up this morning," you told him before pressing a kiss on to his lips.

Cillian smiled nervously, trying to put on a happy face despite the emotions that were swirling within him. He couldn't shake off the guilt of what had happened the previous night with Amanda.

"Thanks," he mumbled, taking a sip of coffee.

You looked at him, your eyes studying his face. "Is everything okay?" you asked, a hint of concern in your voice.

Cillian hesitated for a moment, unsure of what to say. He couldn't tell you the truth, but he also couldn't keep lying.

"Listen, if it is about last night," you then began to say before he could even say anything. "I came here to apologize. I didn't mean to hurt you when I said that I wasn't for marriage just yet," you told him , your voice soft and sincere.

Cillian looked away, avoiding your gaze as he took another sip of his coffee.

"It's not about that," he mumbled, still unable to look at you.

"Well, I think it is. Clearly, you are upset and I get that," you told him before tending to Mara who had just started crying in her pram. "Can I come inside so we can talk?" you asked, juggling the baby in your arms and trying to balance the coffee in one hand.

Cillian hesitated for a moment before nodding and stepping back to let you in. He led you and Mara into the living room and gestured for you to take a seat on the couch. He sat down next to you, feeling his heart still racing as the guilt of what he had done the night before weighed heavily on him.

"Listen," he began, his voice low and hesitant as he took Mara from you, cuddling her tightly, which is when you interrupted him again.

"No, you listen Cillian," you told him. "I love you with all my heart and the fact that I am not ready to marry you has absolutely nothing to do with my feelings for you," you said, turning to him as you tried to steady your trembling voice.

"I just need some time to figure things out, to enjoy this moment with Mara and to begin feeling comfortable again within my own skin," you explained, and Cillian looked at you, his heart swelling with love and guilt at the same time. He knew that he should tell you the truth, but the thought of losing you was too much to bear.

"I understand," he finally said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"No, I don't think you do and how could you?" you said, tears now filling your eyes. "Ever since this traumatic birth experience, I have been struggling with self-esteem. I hate myself. I hate the way I look and, god, that's the reason I don't even want to be seen with you because everyone will think that you can do so much better than me," you said, sniffing back the tears that threatened to spill over.

Cillian's heart ached as he heard the sadness in your voice, and he wished that he could make you see that you were beautiful, both inside and out, and that he wouldn't trade you for the world.

But he couldn't say any of that because the guilt of what he had done the previous night was still weighing heavily on him.

"Don't say that," Cillian said, reaching out to take your hand in his. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met, and I mean that sincerely."