OUR LITTLE SECRET

Part 55

Later that week, when Mara was staying with your mother, you finally had some time with Sean again, and he took you out for a nice dinner, really making an effort to win you over.

He was staying over that night as well, but somehow, you couldn't stop thinking about that email, about Cillian and how he had made you feel for all those nights you had spent together in the past. He consumed your thoughts, making you feel suffocated and uncertain about your current, albeit casual, relationship with Sean.

As you were sleeping with Sean that night, you realised again how empty and meaningless the sex was. His every touch and kiss felt forced, almost robotic, and this was in stark contrast to how Cillian had always made you feel during your intimate moments.

You knew you shouldn't be comparing the two of them, but you couldn't help it. The way Cillian had always looked at you during those stolen moments, the hunger and the tenderness that was evident in his gaze, made you feel like you were the only woman in the world who mattered to him.

Sean's gaze never had that intensity, never quite reached that depth.

With Sean, everything was rushed, everything was a little too eager, like he was just going through the motions to get to the end result. With Cillian, everything was taken slow, every kiss and touch savored and appreciated. He made you feel cherished and desired, and in that moment, nothing else mattered except the two of you.

Once, during your encounter that night with Sean and right after you took control, riding yourself to yet another forced orgasm, you even said Cillian's name, instead of Sean's, and Sean had immediately pulled away from you, eyes widened with shock.

You had apologized instantly and tried to explain it away as a slip of the tongue, but your discomfort lingered between you, creating an awkward silence that was hard to fill.

Afterward, when the two of you lay there in the dark, Sean's arm reluctantly draped around your bare waist, you both pretended to sleep. You couldn't bring yourself to touch him, to make another attempt at intimacy, and you didn't know if he was willing to try again, either.

He stayed though nonetheless and pretended that you never said your ex's name instead. He was still hopeful that he could win you over and you were not sure how to feel about it at this point. You felt guilty for being unfaithful to him in your thoughts and actions but, at the same time, your heart felt heavy knowing that you still loved someone else.

Sean was a good guy, but he simply didn't make you feel the way Cillian did. Yes, Sean was more compatible with you when it came to age, and the sex was better now than it had been in the beginning, but emotionally, there was no comparison. You felt things with Cillian that you never felt with Sean or any other man.

When morning came, you both woke up early. Sean got up first and started to make coffee. You laid there, thinking about what had happened the previous night.

You knew you needed to talk to Sean, but you weren't sure what to say. You felt guilty for using him like that, but you also knew that you were not in love with him.

Sean came back to the bedroom with two cups of coffee. He handed you one and sat down on the bed next to you.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asked, concern etched on his face.

"I'm fine," you murmured, still lost in thought. He knew there was more to your silence than meet the eye, but he didn't press you for answers. Instead, he took a seat next to you on the bed, gently placing a hand on your shoulder.

"You don't have to tell me whatever's bothering you if you don't want to," he said, his voice soft. You looked at him, studying his features.

"But you know, on a different topic. I was thinking about Siobhan's wedding," he hesitantly offered before taking a sip of his coffee. "And I was wondering whether you would take me as your plus one," he asked, his voice wavering slightly.

Your heart skipped a beat and you gazed into his eyes, trying to read the sincerity that lay within them.

"I...I don't know," you faltered, glancing away from his searching gaze. "I don't think it would go down well with Cillian and his familu..." you pointed out, knowing the reality of the situation. "Plus, we are not exclusive and I don't think it would be appropriate to bring you along. I am sorry Sean ."

Sean's face dropped and for a moment, you saw the hurt pale green eyes staring back at you.

"It is just a wedding, Y/N," he protested. "And to tell you the truth, I don't like your ex being there while I am not," Sean said firmly, his eyebrows furrowed in determination.

You sighed deeply, feeling a twinge of guilt towards him. "I know, but it's his sister's wedding and she happens to be a good friend of mine," you explained. " So, I don't want to cause any drama for her on her big day," you added, trying to soften the blow.

Sean seemed to understand, but the disappointment in his eyes was clear. "I get it. I just thought it might help us develop our relationship a bit more," he told you, knowing very well that this was not what you had in mind.

"Sean, please, we have been through this before and you know that I don't want anything serious right now," you reminded him, feeling a twinge of frustration which is when Sean finally gave up. "Alright, fine," he said with a sigh, his anger placated temporarily before he decided that it was time for him to get ready for work.

***

After work, Sean caught up with his friend Mark again to tell him what happened the night before and it was obvious to Mark that this was going to be a lost cause now. Not that he hadn't known already, but this new revelation confirmed it beyond any shadow of a doubt.

"Man, she didn't even respond to my email. His publicist did. So, I am not sure what to tell you. Maybe she is a lost cause," Mark told his friend honestly after hearing what he had to say, but Sean wouldn't let go of you just yet.

"I don't get it Mark. I know he is famous and all, but she doesn't seem to care about that and, yet she is still hung up on him. He isn't even that attractive," Sean grumbled, scrolling through news articles about Cillian on his phone. "And he is almost fifty for crying out loud. I have no idea what she sees in that guy," Sean continued venting to Mark, honestly confused about how, as a woman in your early twenties, you even got involved with a man Cillian's age. "He might not even be able to satisfy her in bed seeing how she is so much fucking younger," he chuckled cynically, almost feeling embarrassed to admit that he himself couldn't fully satisfy you.

But then again, it wasn't just their strange age difference or even the rumors of Cillian's infidelity that bothered Sean about you and your ex's relationship. There was something about Cillian that he just found distasteful. Perhaps it was his celebrity status or maybe it was his arrogant demeanor when he was around Sean. Whatever it was, Sean didn't like him

"Man, I don't know, but you might actually need to let her go because that woman is fucking destroying you , and she doesn't even know it," Mark advised. "I mean, how long have you been chasing her around now? Two or three fucking months or more? And you still haven't made any real progress."

Mark was right. Sean had been trying to win you over for months and while he had managed to sleep with you regularly, it was quite clear that you were not interested in anything serious. But he didn't want to give up just yet and, instead, he was ready to up his game even further.

"I know, but I can't help it," Sean said, glancing back at your profile picture on his phone. "She is just so fucking beautiful and smart, I can't get her out of my head. I need her in my life, Mark."

Mark sighed deeply and shook his head. He had known this would happen from the start and he had warned Sean multiple times that chasing after a woman who was clearly uninterested in anything serious would only lead to heartbreak, but Sean wouldn't listen.

"Let's get that article published then without her statement. It might ruffle some feathers and Y/N might even come around after that, seeing how her ex is not so perfect after all," Mark suggested to Sean although he knew it was a long shot.

Sean nodded in agreement, as he scrolled through his phone, looking for any recent articles about Cillian, but none of them were as significant as what Mark was about to release in the Irish Times.