All the Young Dudes ( Sirius' Perspective )

Third Year : Confidence

Saturday 5th January 1974

The weather outside was just as gloomy as Sirius’s mood. Rain pounded like fists against the windows of the Hogwarts Express, turning the hills outside into a misty wash of green and grey.

“Feels rubbish going back to school, doesn’t it?” Sirius muttered, sulking in the corner of their carriage. No one responded; his friends didn’t seem to know what to do with his bleak mood.

Next to him, Remus sighed, then asked politely, “How was your Christmas, Pete?”

“Ok,” Peter responded, voice flat, “Thanks for the sweets.”

“Seen my broom?” James asked, trying to bring some cheer into the car. It half-worked—Peter perked up as he pulled the broom off the luggage rack, shifting to get a better look. But Sirius—who had seen quite enough of the gift over break—remained staring stubbornly out the window.

Remus shifted, turning back to the large book on his lap. Sirius felt very aware of the movement. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Moony’s fingers turning the pages.

It was a new development, this strange awareness, and a rather unwelcome one. Ever since Remus had reached out and gripped his shoulder, Sirius kept getting distracted by the smallest movements—he’d find his eyes following Remus’s fingers as he adjusted his tie, or realize he was staring if Remus reached over and began to fiddle absentmindedly with the sleeve of his robes. When Remus sat down next to him on the train, their knees had knocked together, and Sirius had only realized a few seconds later that he was holding his breath.

It was driving Sirius insane. It wasn’t like the brief touch had been anything unusual—James grabbed his shoulders all the time. But it was different with James; he was always reaching out to grab your arm or wrestle you into a headlock or poke your side. And Remus…didn’t. Sirius had never really thought about it before, but after Christmas he’d realized that he could probably count on one hand the number of times that Remus had actually reached out and touched him. And that was weird, right? Sirius was pretty sure it was weird. He was pretty sure that’s why he kept thinking about it—because they were best mates, but Remus was still so withdrawn, and he only reached out and gripped your shoulder like that if it really meant something….

But that was all it was. Just another one of Remus’s many idiosyncrasies, which Sirius was only pondering out of boredom. It was just strange because it was so different from how things were with him and James, and that was the only reason he kept thinking about it.

Remus drummed his fingers against the pages of his book, drawing Sirius’s eyes like a magnet.

It was a relief when a quiet knock came at their carriage door, pulling Sirius out of the confusing turn his thoughts had taken. Marlene poked her head in, eyes darting between them before falling to the floor.

“Hiya McKinnon,” James grinned, “Evans with you?” Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Um…no.” Her voice was a bit higher than usually, reedy with nerves. She fiddled with her hair. “Sirius, can I talk to you?”

“Me?” He sat up, brow furrowed in confusion. He’d only ever hung around McKinnon in groups, and was pretty sure they’d never actually spoken directly. He had no idea why she’d want to talk to him. “Er…what is it?”