All the Young Dudes ( Sirius' Perspective )

The War : Winter 1979

Some may say

I’m wishing my days away

No way

And if it’s the price I pay

Some say

Tomorrow’s another day

You stay

I may as well play…

Friday 23rd November 1979

In the future, Sirius would look back on that wedding as one of the only bright spots in what soon became a very long and very dark year. When he found himself exhausted, so run-down he could hardly stand; when he lay awake at night, worry chewing through him from the inside out; when he looked around at the haggard faces of his friends, and found himself forgetting what real happiness even looked like on their features—that was when he would think of Lily, beaming as she walked down the aisle, and James staring back at her like he couldn’t believe his eyes. Sirius would think of Mary, laughing and spinning in her lavender dress; Marlene, giggling at something Yaz had said; Peter, pink-cheeked and bright-eyed as he raised his champagne to toast. He would think of Remus, with that soft, unguarded smile, reaching out to squeeze his knee under the table.

He would forget most it, of course, in the years to come. That slow corrosion, memories rusting and crumbling when he wasn’t strong enough to lock them away. He would forget the colour of the flowers, and the taste of the champagne. He would forget the flavour of the cake and the songs that they had danced to and the sound of Marlene’s laugh and whether or not Yaz had a dimple on her left cheek. Eventually, he would forget so much of it that he would find himself wondering, at times, if it had ever really happened—if it all hadn’t just been some cruel dream.

But he would remember the happiness. Through everything, he would cling to it, until it haunted him like a ghost.

*  *  *

Winter crept up around them, sucking any lingering warmth from the air and turning the world grey and cold. Sirius and James found themselves increasingly on the front lines of Order missions, sent out on raids or caught in skirmishes, until duelling began to feel as automatic as flying a broomstick. They often worked with Emmeline, who conducted their missions with a sort of ruthless efficiency and had taken up Caradoc’s mantle as resident curse-breaker, spending hours poring over tomes on magical theory when she wasn’t on missions. It was a far cry from the prissy, rather vapid girl that Sirius remembered dating at Hogwarts—but then he would recall the curse she’d laid on him when he broke up with her, and wonder if this fervent, somewhat vengeful determination had always been there, and he had simply never noticed it before.

Dorcas Meadowes was another surprise; they were paired with her often, as well. As time wore on, she became an even more invaluable member of Dumbledore’s intelligence-gathering program, and proved to be incredibly brave and clever even when under immense pressure. The more missions they went on together, the more it baffled Sirius that she had spent nearly a year in that strange on-again-off-again relationship with Peter, of all people.

Not that Pete wasn’t stepping up to the plate, as well. With his job at the Ministry, he didn’t spend nearly as much time on Order missions as James and Sirius – but he still helped out quite a bit, and it wasn’t uncommon for the three of them to find themselves sent out together. Lily was in a similar position; her apprenticeship as a potion-maker meant that Moody and Dumbledore had her assigned to more behind-the-scenes missions brewing mysterious concoctions, though she was still called up every so often when they needed extra wands for a raid or an assignment that required more in-depth potions knowledge.