All the Young Dudes ( Sirius' Perspective )

Fifth Year : Closing

Lean love

All you give to me is lean love

I’m like a beggar in the sand

With the sky in his hand

And I’m blue

 

Monday 15th June 1976

Remus was gone for two days.

James went to the hospital wing on Sunday, to tell him what had happened. Sirius was too much of a coward to say it himself—and besides, he was pretty sure that he’d be the last person Moony wanted to see once he found out. When James returned, Sirius hesitated before asking,

“Is…is he okay?”

James shrugged, sighing as he sat down on his bed.

“About as well as can be expected. He’s got Pomfrey looking after him; don’t worry.”

But Sirius did worry. He couldn’t do anything but worry—he worried about how Remus had looked after full moons back when he’d spent them alone, fresh scars and new bruises. He worried about what Remus would do when he returned, what he might say. He worried about how Remus would look at him.

You’ll deserve it, he reminded himself, Whatever he says, whatever he does. You’ll take it, and you’ll deserve it.

Monday dragged by, torturously slow. It felt unreal that life should continue on as normal at Hogwarts, their peers blissfully unaware of what Sirius had done—what he had almost caused. Mary hugged his arm and smiled like he hadn’t nearly killed two people, staring up in confusion when he mumbled excuses and pushed her away.

By the time evening rolled around and Remus still hadn’t returned, Sirius began to relax just the tiniest bit, thinking that at least he’d have one more night before he had to force himself to look Moony in the face, with the knowledge of what he’d done like spilled blood between them. But it wasn’t to be.

The door slammed open just as they were about to go to bed, and Remus swept inside. He didn’t look at them, just walked straight to his bed and picked up his pyjamas, then immediately shut himself inside the bathroom. Sirius sat up straight, hardly blinking as he stared at the door. His heart was writhing in his chest.

When Remus came out, he forced himself to speak.

“Moony, I…”

But Remus didn’t even look at him, just turned deliberately towards James and said,

“Thank you for stopping Severus, James,” in a flat, dead voice, “You saved both our lives.”

“Er…” the other boy stammered, caught off-guard, but Remus didn’t wait for an answer. He crawled onto his bed, shutting the curtains and leaving only a heavy silence behind. Sirius felt as if he’d stepped into a tomb.

*  *  *

Tuesday 30th June 1976