Teach Me Something // LH44

Chapter Thirty-Nine

"Gi, please stop crying, it hurts and I'm genuinely worried about your hydration levels because it's been four hours now," Jenny says as she cuddles up to me on the sofa that I didn't even realise I missed until I'd arrived.

It was the only piece of furniture I'd bought with me when I moved in with her and I knew where every stain from wine, spaghetti and pens that were on it. It had seen breakups, break downs and a tonne of laughter and good times. It was my favourite place to mark, to laugh and joke and I hadn't actually seen it in a long damn time. Whenever we visited each others places, ninety percent of the time it was at Lewis's, being that it was bigger and better in pretty much every single way.

I probably shouldn't be focusing on the sofa but I know that if I start to think about how nice she's been to me over the last few hours then the crying that I just managed to tone down is going to restart once more and it will be immensely ugly. She's been great since I turned up four hours ago crying and while the crying hasn't stopped, she has come and gone with tea, coffee and chocolate, listening to me between hiccuped tears and explanations.

"I-I know..." I tell her, stumbling over my words due to the aforementioned hiccups. The tears had already slowed dramatically and so I wiped away the remnants and took the tea from her as I sit up, still feeling heavy with the pressure that is consuming me from the inside out. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was meant to go to school next week and say goodbye to the kids, the teachers, my classroom, hell - I had to say goodbye to whole damn school. "Ugh, I'm so drained and so tired..." I mutter, my eyes now sore and she nods sympathetically as she sits up with me.

"You know that it's not his fault, right?" She asks me softly and I groan as I agree, remembering the look on his face when I said I wanted to go, breaking my own heart again. That being said, I was aware at this point that I only have myself to blame for that fact. I figure I'm allowed to act a little rash every so often... but it didn't change that I really couldn't stay there any longer. It felt like I was being suffocated by the life I didn't know I'd chosen. I had just needed space that was mine and free of the reminder. Not that I'd been able to forget for even a moment. The tears are still rolling down my face but are no longer accompanied by hiccups or anywhere near as frequent as before.

"I do," I reassure her, my hand sliding down my face and looking across at her. She's right, I know she is but it doesn't help me in this moment. It doesn't help me anger and my frustration, it doesn't help this be okay because none of it is okay. What's happened to me is messed up and what I did to Lewis also wasn't fair, which hurt me even more because I knew I'd just run out on him for reasons he also couldn't control.

I had run through every scenario since arriving here at the crack of dawn and realised that if I fought it then it was only going to end up in the papers. Not only would it make the situation worse but I want that element of public, negative attention even less than I want to lose my job. The whole world knowing I was wrongfully fired? That would bring so much negative attention to the school, the pupils, the teachers... and none of them deserve that. And for a moment of selfish consideration... I also didn't deserve that. I didn't want the press invited into every cavern of my life, let alone one of the worst moments.

"It's not his fault and dumping him is not going to get you your job back..." Jenny continues talking and I continue nodding, using the mug to keep my hands warm. It was the only part of me that felt warm, the anxiety and upset was running through my body like ice in my veins, making me break out in a cold sweat.

I'd already thought of that too, I had a physical reaction to the idea. My breathing had been even more strangled and overall, while it had been a thought it was never even an option. Not really.

"I know," my answer is short but not intended to offend her. It's partly due to my exhaustion as well as my resignation because the only two things I have come to realise in the last four hours are firstly, that it's not his fault and secondly, I can't work out a way to get my job back. It is what it is.