Teach Me Something // LH44

Chapter Forty

The heat from the flames flickers on my cheeks as I lean forward and blow out my birthday candles. My heart rate spikes when I the plastic tiara almost falls off from where it is delicately resting on top of my head before it falls on my cake, smiling awkwardly at the camera's that are capturing me from all angles. While I love my friends, I really wish that they had let me just crawl into my bed and stay there all day. The unfortunate crossover of my last day of teaching being yesterday and my birthday celebrations being today make this all far less than ideal because in reality, I just want to cry and cuddle Roscoe and Ruby, the rescue cat that I adopted while feeling a little depressed last week. No regrets but that was where I wanted to be.

"What did you wish for?" Lewis asks from beside me. While I was previously enjoying the fact that I was next to him and he was able to talk to everyone for me - stories of travelling to Italy already being retold, I regretted it entirely for that single question being asked. It kept everyone's attention on me far longer than I was comfortable and left me I awkwardly grimacing back at the eyes of everyone around the table, the discomfort that this situation was causing me obvious on my face.

"Er, nothing..." I murmur awkwardly and there's a synchronised nod of understanding from everyone around me. I didn't realise that a considerate question could make everything feel so honest but the looks my answer received were filled with my least favourite emotion. Pity. It's not an emotion I really feel as though I deserve given everything I've been blessed with in the last year but addressing it feels as though it'll cause more problems than it solves. Eventually, Lucas breaks the silence and chatter picks up around me and I just let my head fall onto Lewis's shoulder, my eyes flickering shut as his arm around the back of my chair falls onto my shoulders and he pulls me and my chair just a little closer into him before resting his cheek on the top of my head.

"I love you," he murmurs, the one reassuring line he can say as I nod softly and smile but still don't open my eyes, more content this way than seeing the concerned glances I knew I was being given.

"The feeling is mutual," I reassure him, my hand falling to squeeze his knee and I force myself to tip my head back and let my eyes meet his so he could see that I meant it as much as the first time that it was said. "Thank you for organising this and forcing me out," I reaffirm and he kisses my nose with a soft smile, knowing that I meant more than just that sentence and then I closed my eyes once more, comfortable that no more words were actually needed to communicate with him. After another hour we were walking back into the flat, Lewis balancing carrying my cake and most of my gifts with ease that I certainly envied. More than that, he did it all with a smile on his face and a soft tone of voice that brought out what little joy I could make myself feel during the happiest time of the year.

The next morning... and every day after that for the next week though, the flat is quiet and my mood is... low, to say the least. While knowing that he can't actually do anything to cure my sadness, Lewis's next thought process is clearly to just not leave my side. It's endearing if not a little claustrophobic as he takes all of his meetings online from the room next to mine or even from beside me. I wouldn't say it's a full depressive spiral, several degrees of separation from anything like that. It was difficult to be depressed when I had more than I dreamed in terms of friends, a partner and general life.

I think it helped that I forced myself to be active and to keep going about my life. I picked up new sports and hobbies, I visited Lilly and her new son Christopher a couple of times, with a lot of food in hand before giving the happy couple some space to bond with their son. It was well timed as after a Christmas with my brother and his husband and the rest of Lewis's family, we then headed to Italy for his first days at Ferrari following the new year.

I didn't go with him despite his offerings, feeling that it would be rather strange for his girlfriend to play tag along at the factory. Instead, I locked myself in the room set up for painting in Italy and stared at a blank canvas for eight hours, taking breaks to walk with Roscoe in the neighbourhood near Lewis's latest purchase. It was a bit of an empty day for me, which was very much followed by the many other slightly empty days that were just ticking after one another.