Patience Heart

Bali Gateway

Instead of taking the first flight to New York, I ended up on a plane bound for Bali. It wasn't part of the grand plan, but I guess it made sense. Maybe I just wanted to see the ocean, feel the sand beneath my feet, and lose myself in the crashing waves—anything but skyscrapers and bustling crowds. Or maybe, just maybe, it was because I didn't have enough money for a ticket to New York. Yeah, that was it. I'm not exactly rolling in cash.

Bali felt like an escape within reach, the closest thing to freedom I could afford. And so here I am, two weeks later, wandering aimlessly through the streets of Kuta. I've become a regular at the little cafes around Kuta Square, sipping coffee with no real destination in mind. The beach has become my sanctuary, the sun my only companion as I leave all my pain behind in Jakarta.

In the first week, the loneliness was both a curse and a blessing. It was what I wanted, right? To be alone, away from everything that reminded me of the life I was running from. But the quiet moments also allowed the memories to creep in—the ones I'd been trying so hard to forget. Memories of Brian, of everything we had and lost, and of Adam, the man I was supposed to be with but couldn't bring myself to love.

A few days into my second week in Bali, I met them. Two German tourists who, like me, were looking for a break from their own lives. Chris Meyer was my age, maybe a little older. He had that rugged backpacker look—a beard that hinted at a life on the road and a softness in his eyes that put me at ease. Then there was Jacques Miller, or Jack as he preferred to be called. Jack was three years younger than me, but you'd never guess it. His boyish face, with those big hazel eyes and a clean-cut style, made him look like he was still in his early twenties.

Chris had a gentle way about him. His soft voice could calm any storm, like a lullaby that made the world fade away. But it was Jack who really caught my attention. His deep, sexy voice was almost jarring coming from someone with such a youthful face. It had a way of striking right through me, echoing in my mind long after he'd finished speaking.

We spent a week together, the three of us. It was... fun. For the first time in a long while, I actually enjoyed myself. We hung out at Discovery Plaza, wandered through the art markets in Ubud, and watched the sunsets at Tanah Lot and Uluwatu. The sunsets were magical, the sky painted in hues of orange and pink that felt like they were wrapping around me, comforting me. We even braved the mischievous monkeys at Alas Kedaton, laughing as we dodged their sneaky grabs at our snacks. At night, we danced to live music at Hard Rock Cafe, the three of us moving to the rhythm of the band, forgetting our worries, if only for a while.

But the more time I spent with Jack, the harder it became to ignore the ache in my heart. He reminded me so much of Brian, and yet they were nothing alike. Jack had those full lips, so tempting, and those hazel eyes that could drown you in their depth. Brian, on the other hand, had small lips and green eyes that sparkled with mischief. His long lashes were almost ridiculous on a man, but they made it impossible to look away. But beyond their looks, it was their personalities that connected them. Both were quiet, shy, and hard to get to know. With Brian, every conversation felt like a puzzle I was trying to solve, and it was no different with Jack. Every time I tried to break through his reserved demeanor, I was met with the same barriers that Brian had put up.

And here I am, falling for a man I barely know, all because he reminds me of the one I lost. It's pathetic, really. I should know better. But my heart doesn't seem to care about logic. Every time Jack smiled at me, my chest tightened, and I wanted nothing more than to kiss those lips, to see if they felt as good as they looked. But I didn't. I couldn't. It wouldn't be fair to him, and it wouldn't be fair to me.

Our time together ended too soon. Yesterday, Chris and Jack left for South America to continue their travels. I watched them go, feeling the familiar emptiness settle in my chest. It's ridiculous how attached I'd become in just a week, but I suppose that's what happens when you're trying to fill a void. I wasn't just missing Jack—I was missing Brian, missing the version of myself that believed in love, that believed in anything at all.

Now, as I sit alone on the beach, watching the waves crash against the shore, I realize that running away won't solve anything. I came to Bali thinking I could escape my problems, but all I've done is push them aside for a little while. They're still there, waiting for me, and the longer I avoid them, the harder they'll be to face.

It's time to go back to Jakarta. Time to confront the ghost of Brian that's been haunting me for so long. And it's time to end things with Adam. He deserves better than someone who can't love him the way he deserves. This trip to Bali has opened my eyes, made me realize that I can't keep living in denial. I need to face the truth, even if it hurts.

As I book my flight back to Jakarta, I feel a strange sense of relief. It's not going to be easy, but it's necessary. I can't keep running forever. And who knows? Maybe, just maybe, by facing my past, I'll finally be able to move on.

As the plane takes off, leaving the beaches of Bali behind, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I don't know what the future holds, but for the first time in a long time, I'm ready to face it.