Dielive [ENGLISH]

ELEVEN

WHITE CURTAINS intercepted me chasing my body that entered a room. The door closed and everything disappeared from sight. Not long after, a doctor came out of the room. His brow furrowed.

"She's gone."

The first to break the silence after the doctor's statement was Mom's gasp. Then Dad. Dad was helplessly standing on his shaking legs. Mom was even worse. She screamed, wailing in Phil's arms.

"She just had a birthday! What do you mean she's gone? DOCTOR FUCKING-!"

I stepped back, still in disbelief. Jason came. I'm sure he immediately understood what happened. In all the years I've spent with him, I've never seen him so bad. He was lying down. His skateboard suffered the same fate. Even worse. The wheels came off because Jason accidentally dropped it so hard.

This can't be. Why is this happening? I should be on a plane to Florida tomorrow. Why did it turn out like this? Everything is out of control.

Dead. He said I'm... dead? Wait, why am I still here? If I'm dead, shouldn't I be... gone? Floating... somewhere... whatever, but I shouldn't be here anymore, right? Something is wrong.

I backed away. Further back and away from them, the people who were crying over my death.

Maybe this is just a dream. Yes, that's right. This is just a dream. I hit my own head with my hand.

Wake up! Wake up!

Nothing happened. I was still standing in the same place and they were still sobbing. Suddenly the hospital was crowded with people I knew. They were the same people who came to my birthday party. Ironically, some were still wearing the same clothes. Lily, Amber, Cavin, Will.

"Jason! Jason! Tell me the truth!" Amber shouted, shaking Jason's arm. Jason remained silent, his gaze blank. Amber snorted angrily. Her face turned red and flooded with tears. "He can't be dead, right? Jason!"

I sat weakly just like Jason right next to her. "Tell me it's not true, Jason. Tell me I'm still alive..."

Of course he didn't hear me. It was clear now. I was just a ghost. A vague spirit floating around.

Dad was still crying. He took off his glasses and shook his head repeatedly. Several medics tried to calm him down, but I knew they wouldn't succeed.

"Dad," I whispered.

My hands wanted to touch his wrinkled face, but I was still electrocuted. How could I leave him alone? I wasn't just going to Florida now. I was dead.

Dead.

I knew that in the end it would all go back to God. But about death, right now I only feared one thing: being separated from the people I love. I would miss Mom's nagging, Jason's soft lips kissing me, and Dad's hugs. Dad...

No. No... If I died, then who would remind him of breakfast? Who would bring him hotdogs for lunch? And who would make him spaghetti for dinner? I couldn't let Dad bury himself in work over my death, but I knew that was what he would do.

I went into the room where my body was. I would have given anything to wake up if this was a dream. But apart from the thin steam that should have come out of my nose and mouth in the cold, dead Chicago air, I knew I was dead.

This didn't make sense. Someone washed my body. They dressed me, put on a white dress and combed my black hair. They also put headphones, a Sherlock Holmes novel, Mom's Miami keychain and a Jüri Pootsmann cassette in my coffin.

Before my burial, they took my casket to the church for a memorial service. The funeral was a sad affair. People were sobbing.

The Reverend Laurent who said the prayer knew me from my father and I going to church almost every week. He said clichés that somehow felt so sincere to my ears.

"Nadya has received forgiveness and heavenly peace. Death is not the end of a person's journey, but rather a path to achieve a new, more eternal life, namely life in the afterlife."

She also assured everyone that I was now with the Creator. Oh God, how could her prayer not be answered? I'm still hanging here.

Already Gone by Sleeping at Least was played to accompany my departure. This was not the first time I had heard the song, but when it was played with a cello, it really cut to the heart. Everyone cried and again there was a heartbreaking sob from Mom.

It was strange to see my own body in a coffin and then buried in the ground. Amber, Lily and Cavin cried incessantly. Mom sobbed and wailed. Throughout her life, I thought she never cared about me. She also almost fainted, but she had to hold on for the sake of the baby she was carrying.

One by one the mourners left. Phil, who had been standing behind Mom, scooped up Mom's body and coaxed her to go home.

Phil wasn't like the others who wore a full suit to honor my death. He only wore a black shirt and blue jeans plus glasses and I was sure he didn't cry. Mom was reluctant to move at first, but Phil kept coaxing her and reminding her of the baby she was carrying. Mom finally gave in.

After Mom and Phil left, Lisa Cane came in wearing a black dress with her hair down. Her forehead was furrowed and her eyes were puffy, clearly from crying. Lisa approached Dad and put her hand on his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, Carlos. She didn't deserve to go like this," Lisa said.

"Thank you so much."

"Have you planned to take care of this case? What caused her death?"

Dad was silent for a moment and his eyes were confused. Poor Dad. When he's having a hard time he's getting older.

Jason joined them.

"Nadya was found dead with foam at her mouth. We're taking care of her."

"Foam at her mouth?" Lisa half screamed. "That's not normal, right? Oh my God... let me know if there's any development in the case."

Jason nodded, glancing at Dad again. Dad was still the same. Silent and cold. His eyes were still glued to my grave. Finally Lisa said goodbye.

"Thank you for coming," Dad said.

Lisa nodded. "You know what? I'm worried about you. You have to be strong. I'm sure Nadya wants you to be strong in facing this too."

She was right. I did want Dad to be strong in facing this. Dad just nodded and smiled a little. Lisa left.

"Lisa is right. Nadya's death was unnatural. My father is still investigating it."

"I already know," Dad said. He wiped his face for the umpteenth time. "Before being buried, her body had an autopsy. My friend, the forensic doctor, said the results would be ready next week."

"Dad said the same thing." Jason's brow furrowed. "He's investigating this case with the police."

"Yes. Yesterday your father came to me," Dad said.

"For what?"

"He asked everything about Nadya. Her activities, the last food she ate and her behavior on the last day."

"Is that true, Uncle? He also came to Amber, Lily and Will with the same questions. It seems like Nadya's emotional condition is the main suspect of Dad's investigation."

"Emotional condition?"

"Yes." Jason became more serious. "Has Nadya been acting strange lately?"

Dad nodded. "Yes. She's been moody lately."

Jason swallowed. "So it's true."

"What?"

"She lied to all of us," Jason said softly, finally breaking the silence.

"What do you mean? She lied to us?"

Jason's lips trembled. "Nadya. She—committed suicide."