A Bloody Smile In The Dark

We left our scar size extra large

"Hey we're big girls now! Here comes uni, a job, a family of our own, kids and...and..."

Ugh. Genni, my self proclaimed bestie. So darn excited and oh so driven to make everything happen right away. And i mean literally.

"Let's go. We have no time to waste!"

WTF. We've just checked the boards with our final grades dodging way too many proposals to go for a last dinner all together. Let's breathe...

The truth is nobody wanted to see one another ever again. I had never seen such a big group of people vanish so quickly before. After all, there was no need to fake it anymore. Sure, if you ask Gen, she'll tell you all the words spoken and the memories made were worth it honest and sincere. "We truly love each other!" "We'll hang out soon enough, you'll see!".

Right. I was certainly the bitchy negative one. Life was a big bunch of flowers; I'll let you decide what they smelt of.

Next thing i know i'm home with a job interview booked for the next day and a huge sense of pride swimming in me.

"I am though" - He looks so serious. Almost like he means it. But then again, how could he?

There's something about the look on his face. I'm beginning to feel like he's not really here for me, but more for himself instead. His eyes are begging me to listen to them.

Makes zero sense if you ask me. Does he not know anyone else besides me? I honestly couldn't tell who looks more in need of a good therapy session between the two of us.

Guess it's true what they say: time really starts to fly after you hit 18.

I welcomed my twenties with so much joy and bliss in my heart i couldn't believe it. Maybe school really was the problem...

I had found a part time job at a food factory outside town and had immediately made friends with two complete weirdos. My kind of people. By weirdos i mean thirty something promiscuous women with no desire to be liked. Unapologetically themselves, even during work hours. I was doing up to twelve hours a day all week, standing up running around non stop cooking and making sauces, but they made it so fun and bearable that my stint there pretty much flew by without nociting. I was even sad when it ended. I would've applied again. In hindsight, who would've thought my happiest moments would've been those...

Well...sort of...

Can't quite tell whose fault it's been. Was it the grand expectations everyone from my grandfather to the postman had in me or was it my propensity not to take anything too seriously to the point of half-assing pretty much every aspect of my existence?

Sounds stupid right? Well it was enough to fuck me up for good.

"I don't know why but i had this picture in my head that saw me attending uni, getting a job, finally setting off on my own and travel a lot. Wanna know something? None of that happened." - For some reason, i lied a little.

"Girl, this country's a mess and, unless a miracle occurred while i was away, you most likely don't have the financial tools to get yourself out there. You need to give it time but you're too impatient to sit around watching months go. It's perfectly normal to feel uneasy and restless. It's also okay to be sad and disappointed about it. However darling, that cannot, and i stress cannot, be all there is to it. You didn't end up in a hospital bed with needles everywhere just because you don't have stability yet."

Once again, WTF. They way he put it, it does sound pretty desperate. Add my age and it's even more nonsensical. Why do i feel so empty then? Why don't i want to go outside and give myself a chance? Why do i not want to exist? Why is my prof here right now? Is this real? Hello?

Am I floating again?

"Dammit!"