A Bloody Smile In The Dark

What are you gonna do when the world don't orbit around you?

What did just happen? I need to get back to the hotel quickly and try to get some rest because i freaking did it.

I don't know how long i stood in the yard frozen in time utterly unable to move after the ambulance finally made its way in. It felt like an eternity.

I could see people's shadows pass me by, their voices getting weaker and weaker, until it was all a hazy blur. I couldn't make anything up anymore, not even the sun going down. I recovered from that inexplicable state thanks to a piercing blow of wind that finally let me open my eyes; if they were even close to begin with.

I...walked back to the hotel safely. It took me twenty minutes; i could swear i was running at some point. I hate seeing passersby' reactions to my presence when i'm in public and there's more to it than just some stupid childishness. It's not like i don't want them to know i'm not local, i bet it's not that tough to figure out anyway; i just don't want them to know i'm there altogether. It's fucked up, believe me. Making it through life means someone will have to assess your presence sooner or later or you're not moving. Try surviving the evaluations wishing you were invisible.

Not recommendable.

So many disparate things could happen tomorrow. I'm open to whatever; come what may.

Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink some water. Close the blinds and make the room pitch dark. Lie down and close your eyes.

Today was painful. For some reason the memories of the trips that took me here feel like a distant memory, as if they'd happened months ago. What remains lingering in my mind and chest is the peace that stroke me as i arrived, which still hasn't left me in spite of my various blackouts. The surroundings have no sound. Like a movie i'm watching on mute with me being nothing more than a dim guest star in it.

I'm pretty confident the meeting with the doctor was one of her life's worst encounters. I could almost touch her eyes, heavy on me studying my every move. Needless to say she isn't positive about this, and the fact i was struggling to stay awake and conscious the whole time certainly didn't help. I looked like a fool for sure.

"Read the tag. You're talking to her" if i recall correctly. I was that stupid.

Not to mention the third degree interrogatory she gave me in her office.

"I need warranties". Really? Warranties? Why the hell did she give her availability so far as making sure i'd get past customs unscathed if she was more than happy to discard me at the first glimpse? Plus what did she even want me to do, perform an open heart surgery right in front of her? Ugh.

She's the most confusingly chippy kind person i've ever met. Made me feel like total shit while calling me Sweetie. Leastways i have a minimum idea of what to expect tomorrow.

Who's gonna listen when you run out of lies?

The Miami Dove Memorial Hospital is quite the vision so early in the morning with the sun not completely up yet. The only visible illumination in the area is the one coming from inside the building and the two huge lampposts at the entrance's sides. Suddenly i have the greatest urge to sit on the front yard's stairs to lose myself in the shapes and outlines the palm trees create on the ground as they meet the artificial lights.

I wonder how many people have walked these pavements and how many lives have been made and destroyed over the years. How many smiles and how many tears shed; how many families have exited those doors with one more member in their arms and how many did it with only heavier hearts. It's pretty ironic how ordinary blobs of flesh piloting a mass of brain ultimately throw themselves in the arms of other piles of skin during critical times. It's almost like a pragmatic alternative form of religion, if you want. Instead of an abstract god we have doctors, the chosen ones, whose hands are going to determine if their fellow mortals get to live or die. White-dressed men and women acting like earthly angels or something.