A Bloody Smile In The Dark

We glue our bones and find our hope. There's nothing left to hide

A crucial lesson I learned during the nine years of my life is that you can never subdue yourself to the naive illusion of knowing it all. There's no such thing; take it from a desperate soul who never appreciated her struggles enough, always demanding more than she could afford. No amount of pain will ever elevate you to higher grounds of knowledge common merrier people just won't understand. It's true; you have to live a certain situation in order to fully grasp it, but you don't necessarily have to step in someone's shoes to be empathic or lend a hand. There's no grand original Right and no wholly objective Wrong; only factual truths. We walk past billions of faces hiding a story of their own everyday, and not one hasn't at some point thought of being better than everyone else, solely based on their private drama. No worse mistake could be made than to forget we're all small insects marching on the same sandy dune. Each and all of us is transitory, none excluded. It's a basic human trait to impose oneself standing above the mass as a carried consequence of older ages; classic survival of the fittest. Yeah, i still stand my ground. Show you're stronger, though only superficially, and the flock will follow out of fear. Stupid. You can't find another pompous assertion of power like this in any other species, you know why? Humans lack respect. Towards other similars, towards animals, places, beliefs; the list goes on. The first image that comes to my mind is that of wild animals, I'm thinking specifically of lions but any other is fine too. They're the greatest most majestic example of the mightiest beating the weakest. Mors tua vita mea. Yet there's a thick line of static respect lingering among those creatures. A line made of unwritten rules and habits that everyone else is aware of. Nobody's left in the dark; you know you don't mess with lions, you know you can't outrun gazelles, you know better than to defy hyenas; etcetera. Anyone brave or dumb enough to break the system dies, one way or another, instantaneously or in time. That to me is respect in the most vigorous form. Feel free to disagree.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah..there's no knowing it all. For a fickle passage, this so talked about life sure knows how to throw a party. It's funny because our planet is so densely populated, it's easier to entertain everyone more or less equally; it's the same pack of tricks in the end. Why feel so special then? We all deal with the same spectrum of adversities, joys and horrors, they're simply presented differently. Why the hassle? Why so many questions? Well, we're catapulted onto a questionable ride with no guide, no drafted suggestion and no memory of our provenance. Least we can do is stand strangers' mutual doubts; if we listen closely they may even sound a lot like ours.

Saw two white coffins in my dreams last night. I saw my Lord Jesus with his hands pointing toward the light. Saw my old sweetheart she said, "honey, I'm back" just so you don't die alone

Shoot a quick glance their way, let them know you saw them, smile back if they do first and continue looking down to your lap till it's time to go.

"What are you listening to?"

I like my music loud but I leave it reasonably low in public so I can snoop on people's gossips; I've heard the craziest stories in my long nosy career.

"Um..it's a soft morning playlist"

"Oh. You have one for every time of the day?"

"Yeah it's..pretty much yes"

"Interesting. I'm too lazy to organize my player"

"It's a lot of work, or at least for me. I take these things seriously, go figure"

"Oh it's perfectly okay. To each their own"

"I like that a lot"

I'm half way through my weekly chemo session and I've said goodbye to my left arm hours ago. My veins have been getting thinner, breaking easily. We noticed my right arm's do slightly better but the nurses insist on painting this particular limb all shades of purple, so be it. The lady next to me looks a lot like Judith, however her voice is lighter, almost a whisper. She looks extremely nervous, bouncing her legs while biting her nails. Blonde, slim, decked in black, with something clearly bothering her. I'm not good at small talk with strangers; the first time I had one with Warren he almost called the cops on me before remembering we're the cops.

"Hurts?"

"Excuse me?"

"I noticed you were grimacing. Does the needle hurt?"

"Oh no no. I was just thinking of something. You get used to it after a while"

"Yeah Lucy says so too"

I should say something encouraging to make her look up but instead replay what Anya is used to doing with me, and place my free hand on her shoulder.

"Aren't you angry?!"

"What can I say ma'am? There are things in life we have no control over, stressing about it is counterproductive. But I guess we all deal differently"

"How old are you?"

You know why I like this type of humans? They don't even bother asking your name or what you do, they magnify on your story, as unscripted as that. I was taught you attract the people you're made of; either grandma found out about cannibalism long before me or she simply discovered a beautiful more deeply effective way to sort out her acquaintances.

"29"

"And...this...has been going on.."

"About three years. You on the other hand? What are you here for?"

"Oh right sorry. I have this bad habit of skipping introductions and dive head first into people's lives like that. Apologies. My name's Sandy, I'm here for my daughter Lucy. She has stage 3 leukemia and because of her age and debilitated immune system, she's here day and night all week. Sometimes I need to take a break from watching her wade through her pain and pills and tablets and wires and...i spotted you here alone so I figured.."

"It's alright, really. I don't mind. Plus if I can be some sort of relief, then good"

"You look so peaceful and quiet. How do you do it?"

"I spent the majority of my life as frustrated and pissed off as it gets. I probably ran out of energy, I don't know. Although more realistically speaking I met halfway with my destiny and went What The Hell, Bring It On. Does it make sense? I run, dodge, run some more and it's all for nothing; life catches up with you eventually. Final Destination"

"You mean like the movie?"

"You're telling me you don't see affinities? You can run but you'll never escape. Sempiternal"

"Well now..."

"Yeah sorry, let me turn this thing off. How old is she?"

"She..she's five"

"No"

"Mmh mmh"