A Bloody Smile In The Dark

I know there's something out there, I think I hear it move

Go to Miami, they said. It'll be fun, they said....

"It's not the destination, it's the journey" - motherfucker.

If that were to be true, there really must be someone upstairs who loves me and wants me out there no matter what. Because the epicness i'm going through to get to what is supposed to be my promise land has been quite nightmarish so far, to say the least. In between the train trip to Milan, the bus one to the airport, and the flight to Rome, i'm sure i'm not going to make it. Nothing over the top per se; hundreds of people do this every day, but it's my first time dealing with so many living human beings all at once, and it's stupidly unsettling.

Right now i'm sitting in a remote corner of the Eternal City's airport making sure no one sees the look of sheer terror plastered on my face. I'm cold sweating and can hardly breathe, can't close my eyes to shut my brain off or i'll miss the final step to my glory; the majestic flying box that will lead me to the Sunshine State. Strangely enough, it's not the unknown awaiting me that's scaring the crap out of me, but more the clear awareness of what i'm leaving behind; constantly reminded to me via dozens of text messages and phone calls from the few people i know, which i'm never going to answer.

"Are you even listening to yourself right now?!"

Oh good. Looks like someone else is going through some mess too.

Well..my flight is taking off in a few minutes so i should probably stop whining about my existential crisis and get going. It's only for a weekend after all. Yeah, i'm going to repeat myself that 'till i'm nauseous...

"Why bother then?!"

I know, right...

Awesome. The woman yelling at her phone is headed the same place as me. At least i'll have some entertainment on board if i'm lucky. Although she won't be able to continue her sweet exchange of words much longer, she looks enraged enough to hopefully start some drama in the flesh too. Man, do i live for these things.

She looks stunning by the way. Not the usual typical kind of beauty; more like a complex mixture of maturity and integrity giving her a gorgeous glow instead. Tall, blonde with shiny eyes popping out at every little detail they notice, as if it's their first time. She's wearing black from head to toe and those heels look so dangerous it outshines how painful they likely are. She's only carrying a blue purse with her and nothing else, maybe she's going home.

"It better be worth all this ruckus or you won't see me again. It's a goddamn promise"

Respect.

With that, i proceed to reach my seat without ever taking my eyes off of that majestic creature. Everything about her, from her walk to her posture, proudly states Don't Fuck With Me Or I'll Cut You. I want to be like her when i grow up... for the moment i think i found a relatively non threatening figure to use as a focus point until i reach destination. I need one every time i'm alone in public; they help me feeling less lost.

Crazy how strangers can often be more relieving than ones you've known all your life.

I'll draw all my attention to her for dear life, thankful i can see her fine from where i am and begin imagining what she may be like on a daily basis. Where she lives, her job, family, hobbies and so forth. It doesn't matter if i'm totally off or not; as long as i have other stuff to diverge my thoughts to. Lord knows that'll allow me to survive.

"Are you afraid of flying?" - I forgot the spot next to mine was yet to be taken. I hate sharing limited spaces with random people.

"No. I'm fine"

"You look concerned"

"Not at all, just a bit tired"

"I see. You can talk to me if you need something. I'm Bo" - I shake his hand nodding and smiling a tad, praying he'll stop.

"Such cold hands..."

"Verena...sorry about that. Can't help it" - Absolutely regretting telling him my name, i turn my head toward the window putting my headphones on once again. I'll be frozen in this position for over ten hours if my bladder lets me.

"Stop! Stop! My stomach hurts!"

"Come on! We need more blankets!"

The lights in my parents' living room dim, a huge Christmas tree up and grandpa laughing at us from the kitchen.

"Get the dog! She's tiny, she'll fit with us alright"

"Okay. Let me get my doll too!"

"Oh man...uhm..right"

I lost all my bottom teeth smashing my face hard on the table after a fall last week so all i can swallow these days is soup. He doesn't really have that many more but it still isn't stopping him from making fun of me, of course.

"How do you like school, David?"

"Can't talk ma! I'm in our fort fending off the dinosaurs!"

"Yeah! I have Pocahontas with us too!"

"Like she's going to help..."

"Don't eye roll your cousin, Dave!"

"Ugh"

Laughter fills the whole house, dad picks me up for tickle wars every now and then, and aunt Sage takes pictures of D and I feeding each other non stop.

"What happened?" - no idea why you're in my face again but i don't like it.

I'm paralyzed, my back hurts and my throat is dry. I wish i could speak up...

If I were to die murdered in cold blood tomorrow

Would you feel sorrow or show love

Or would it matter? Could never be the lead-off batter

If there ain't shit for me to feed off, I'm seesaw battlin'

"Miss! Miss! We've landed safely. You can grab your things, please"

"Oh god sorry, i fell asleep!"

Be careful making wishes in the dark

Is she...laughing? Crying? Definitely crying.

The amazon i saw back in Italy is now a woman with a loose shield on her. Not vulnerable, nor sad. But they're not simple tiredness induced tears either.

Whatever. I can't dwell on her. Fortunately the guy next to me has disappeared, but i'm clearly in the way as i'm outmarched by irritated folks eyeing me as if i've murdered their cat or something.

The taxis in charge of the transfers shouldn't be very far.

Miami's clean spring air filling my heavy lungs is making me feel much better already and i'm confident i can keep these insisting tears at bay for another while.

Perhaps I can do it after all? Let the adventure begin