A Bloody Smile In The Dark

When the city goes silent, the ringing in my ear gets violent

"So? Are you gonna keep giving me the silent treatment for much longer?"

The room is incredibly big yet we're confined to a remote corner of it, sitting on armchairs way too hard to get comfortable. Her annoyed expression is quite intimidating so i focus on the breathtaking view outside instead, sometimes glancing at the golden aura surrounding ms. Stone-cold bitch and i, feeling incredibly small, trapped in a very attractive cage. When i finally turn to her, she's on her phone determined to make this meeting end pronto.

"What do you want me to dwell on: the constant blackouts or the agony of not feeling bad at all about death's specter around me?"

She's through with my bullshit, it's so visible it hurts.

"Need i remind you i'm not the bad guy here? I'm only trying to help and you obviously need it"

"Why don't you strap some straitjacket on me and forget about it?"

"Ugh. What you're doing is totally disrespectful. And i'm not simply referring to this stubborn act you're playing right now. I mean in general. Since day one, your behavior has been unacceptable and i honestly don't understand why all these people care so much about you when you clearly don't"

"Wow"

"Yeah wow. Not a single soul in this building is giving up on you. They've accepted you treating you like family, handing you everything on a silver platter. A job, their friendship, health care, mental support, a roof on your head...i could go on. And this is how you repay them? By wanting to die? Wow indeed"

"I don't choose that"

"You don't choose that but you can't pretend not to see they've put themselves on the line for you and still do, without asking for anything in return. You know what i think? I think you're selfish"

"Classic. A person has a suicidal history, so they're automatically selfish and out for themselves only"

"Nope. Not what i'm saying. You, living sentient being, have the nerve to walk around like a pissed off zombie treating everyone like shit as if there was no other way. Have you thanked them? Have you taken them out to dinner or just paid for their coffee at the vending machines? Have you stepped out of your black hole for a second to ask how they're doing? Have you?"

"I'm an ungrateful piece of shit, i get it"

"No you don't get it. You've been through a lot. That's facts. I'm not denying your pain nor am i playing it off; but seriously now. Look at me. When was the last time you were given a reason to shut yourself off? When were you last made not to trust anyone unconditionally?"

I stare at her perfectly manicured hands looking for an answer but my vision's getting blurry and i think i'm losing ground. I wish someone or something ran after my emotions to put a leash on 'em, because i don't know how to fight this tornado off. Not this time.

"Sweetheart. Let go"

"I don't know what to do. I...what have i become?"

At this point i'm full on crying my eyes out and don't care. Normally i'd break free from her arms but i'm too tired to put up a fight.

"You have all the rights in this world to be angry, but letting it consume you is not living and is very counterproductive. You're a beautiful young girl with a terrific brain who can turn people's lives upside down without even trying. And you're not even using your full potential; imagine if you were. You could change the world"

"Changing mine would be enough"

"We can do this together. I'm not abandoning you. I don't care you've heard this before. I'm not leaving you alone"