A Bloody Smile In The Dark

Will the last one out please shut the door?

On and on i can't help but wondering if we're only here to teach a lesson or stand as an example for future references. Who's at the receiving end of said references i have no idea, let alone why; but in the grand scheme of things we're but fireworks on New Year's Eve. Some go off too soon, some do hours later when the ball's been dropped and removed already, but at the end of the day it's nothing but ordinary activities repeated every some days on a given-for-granted cycle, giving semblance of a balanced order.

As ironic as it sounds to me, a professor pretty much my whole life, going through the chaotic motions that became the last few years and looking back at the lessons i, for once, learned in return is quite the emotional ride. I was always used to being the one in control of my actions and consequences, my successes and failures, my conquests and losses, and never would i have thought my biggest accomplishment to be losing hold of my perfectionism. The very moment i began getting swept away by completely sudden events wanting to be my friend, i realized i was not prepared for the real world after all. School can narrate you a lot of interesting notions, rules and, don't get me wrong, it's absolutely fantastic being able to call a bunch of square roots by heart for the month or two it lasts, but there's no greater satisfaction that the one real experience gives you. Even if your life's good on track, the best gift you can give yourself is to travel and see what the universe works like outside of the lines you were born confined in. It'll leave you breathless.

This little chat started out as my personal quest for inner peace. Figured if i made sense of the situations that had me fighting the most, i'd finally have closure. High school never really ends; its mechanisms perdure well after they tell you it's over, you just adjust to them under the false conviction you're free to go about your path. The fun begins when you decide you've had enough to be the sheep following the herd and snap. No second thoughts, no over dwelling, no room for regrets; just straight going for it. You define "it"; even when you're fully run over by someone else's.

August 27th 2019 was my unaware moment of truth, once again not by my choice.

Another beautifully cloudy day's nearing the end. My rain soaked feet sliding in my brand new shiny black stilettos keep me distracted while i try to burn off the stress clogging my mind. Today marks the destiny of the MDPD and its surviving members, after eights long months of the most unusual trial the state remembers. The charges discussed were mass murder, abuse of power and fraudulent conduct towards both prosecution and defense, leaving us unsure of whether we're bad or evil. The worst part has been reliving the deaths, assaults, rapes and unjust accusations that led us lingering in the numb emotional state we are now. The picture of the moment was, in my opinion, Cal wheeling Pen to the stand to testify. She was a frail shaky leaf being blown mercilessly off her twig by the prosecutor 'till she couldn't mouth a syllable anymore; a scene that left us ever emptier. Three hours were all it took the jury to come to a verdict i assume we should be pleased with: life sentence for Stal and Rue, his bombshell FBI accomplice in NY, and 64 million dollars in damages to divide among the remaining team members. Cool, huh? Then why does it feel more like an ending than a fresh new start? Sadness and depletion are all i can make of my dear ones, the kind you can't dispute.

The ghost of my husband just sat next to me while our friends exit the lab for what is likely the last time. No words have been spoken since our departure from court; truth be told, excuse the pun, they've never been more useless. Nothing could ever properly translate our heavy sighs into verbal significance and i'm partly thankful for that. I melancholically turn to puppy eyes in hopes for a sign or plea to stay, make things better. Instead i meet a beaten down man who's had it nearly as much as me. He could build a compost factory with all the bullshit he's been dealt since a kid; i could help if it wasn't for the fact that ice against ice only makes for a frozen fest.